Jaws

In honor of the impending Shark Week on Discovery Channel, and in salute to one of my GREATEST FEARS EVER, I have decided to dedicate this post to Jaws. I have had the pleasure of watching this film a great many times (once in Italian), and my most recent viewing has left me with two potent feelings: satisfaction and fear.

This film is so well done that it makes a mockery of every other monster flick. Anaconda, anyone? I assume I am not spoiling anything by giving away that the shark finally eats it. Literally. But what makes that ending so satisfying is, of course, the heroic struggle that the characters go through to get to that point. Old news. Everyone loves a good old-fashioned heroic struggle, especially if it's particularly arduous. That way, we get to sit at home in the comfort of our pajamas eating yesterday's pie and watching a rain-soaked Everyman struggle to succeed, and somehow feel good about ourselves. I'm sure we all felt as if we had personally fired that fateful shot into the tank of compressed air. But after watching this movie last night (in my pajamas, eating yesterday's pie), I have begun to appreciate just how complex a movie about a shark can be.

Let's start with the title: Jaws. Simple. Smooth. Straightforward. And yet terrifying. It doesn't matter what creature these jaws belong to, all we need to know is that this set of teeth exists somewhere in the world, and far be it from us. Even the fact that the title is "Jaws" and not "Teeth" says something: these are not just any teeth--these teeth will chomp you dead. It certainly stirs some primal fear in me. And when you really get down to it, aren't we all just afraid of being eaten in one sense or another?

And then there's the shark itself. I didn't realize this until I watched a documentary on the making of the movie, but the shark doesn't actually make an appearance until at least halfway through. We see plenty of people being dragged under, blood blossoming in the waves, their torn appendages floating about. But the shark remains aloof and mysterious, and that is the key. The only thing worse than seeing a shark swim by is to not see a shark you know is swimming nearby. Knowing the enemy relieves much fear (and let it be known that the only thing I fear more than sharks is dark, open water at night where there could be sharks).

And then there's the characters: Chief Brody (played by Roy Scheider), Matt Hooper (played by Richard Dreyfuss), and the infamous Quint (played by Robert Shaw). When I was younger, I perceived that Brody lacked confidence, Hooper was fussy, and Quint was grizzly. Now that I'm a bit older, those observations still hold true, but are much more rounded out.

Let's start with Brody. I think that when I was younger, I fell victim to what most of us experience: a preoccupation with failure. I find it interesting that all I could remember about Scheider's character was that he didn't know how to tie knots. I had completely forgotten that he was a darn good chief of police! Brody spends the first half of the movie on land where he is comfortable and competent. He is the voice of reason to the willfully ignorant mayor, constantly working to protect the islanders in spite of their own disinterest. But his competence gets swallowed up by the larger task at hand. He can close the beaches, but ultimately, someone must kill that shark. As a landlubber, Brody does not desire to go anywhere near the shark-infested water; however, since he commissioned Quint's ship, the police chief must hop aboard. It is at this critical juncture that his role as protector on land must give way to the rough-hewn direction of Quint.

Quint is the paradigm of brute masculinity. If his imposing figure and steely glare are not enough to stop you in your tracks, just watch him drink a beer. He knows the water like you imagine he would know a woman (in the biblical sense). He knows he is right, and woe betide you if you get in his way. He's the stereotypical manly-man. We learn later in the movie that his obsession with sharks grew out of his experience on the USS Indianapolis, a scene that still gives me chills. Shaw's character is a study in extremes, particularly in the identity of the masculine and the lengths to which humans will go to reconcile some haunting experience from the past. His brutal death is a rejection of the extreme in favor of the happy medium, as exemplified by Dreyfuss' character.

Matt Hooper is a smart, self-assured oceanographer with the means to pursue his goals. One night on the water in search of the shark, he surprises Brody by admitting that he pays for the boat, the gadgets, anything that strikes his fancy because he comes from a wealthy family. Better yet, he knows how to use the equipment, thereby proving he is not just a privileged dolt who wants to play in the paddling pool. He knows what it means to have a "shark problem," so it is no surprise that he and Quint continually butt heads. Hooper possesses the cautious demeanor of Brody as well as the know-how of Quint, but while Brody is eager to accept any help he can offer, Quint is quick to sneer at his smooth hands. It is only until they compare scars that Hooper and Quint can reach some kind of understanding.

I find Hooper's character quite interesting. He has the somewhat cavalier attitude that accompanies knowing your craft, but after he stumbles across the tooth of a Great White (and the one-eyed head of its victim) during a scuba dive, he begins to take things a bit more seriously. As he prepares to enter the shark cage at the end of the movie, he takes their finned foe so seriously he can barely spit. Thus far, Hooper has relied on his tools to help him, but the end of the movie reveals that his character extends far beyond that. He is forced to escape the shark cage when it is savagely attacked, thereby effectively stripped of everything but his wetsuit. Hooper's value does not lie in his toolkit but in his ability to be both cautious and worldly. He is the middle road between Brody and Quint. His role is to survive.

If nothing else, the scene where Brody blows up the shark is unforgettable. Picture it: the boat is sinking, the shark has already devoured at least one of the trio, somehow Brody has managed to feed it a tank of compressed air, and all that he can do now is hope to blow it up before he gets eaten. And it's headed right for him. I have to say that this scene is just so...stylish. Let me explain. Brody had previously sent a tank of compressed air rolling down the deck, only to have Hooper cluck about how dangerous that was, and to have Quint condescendingly tell him he should ask which rope to pull next time. Shooting the tank of air to the tune of "Smile, you son of a --" is a resolution of more conflicts than just the shark problem. (1) It is Brody's confrontation of his fear of water: as he literally sinks into it, water is certainly the last thing on his mind. (2) It is his application of newly acquired knowledge: he is able to rectify his past mistake by controlling the conditions under which the tank explodes and making it work for his benefit. (3) It is How Brody Got His Groove Back: the extreme environment pushes him to find his old swagger (and swear like a sailor) as he is ultimately forced to rely on his skills as a policeman. (4) Lastly, it is how the different representations of masculinity are resolved: Brody combines a bit of Quint's cavalier attitude and Hooper's "savoir faire" with his own protective impulses. Because it is Brody and not Quint who finally kills the shark, the ending proves that multiple displays of masculinity can be resolved within one person. To be masculine is not necessarily to be completely rash or authoritative. Rather, it is masculine to be brave (Quint), authoritative (Hooper), and cautious (Brody) when appropriate. Brody proves that to be masculine is to turn your weaknesses into strengths when necessity dictates.

So, as I said, this movie left me feeling both satisfied and fearful--satisfied because of the sheer brilliance of the storyline. And why fearful, you ask? Because I gleaned this nugget of truth from the script: most people are attacked by sharks in 3 feet of water 10 feet from the shore.

Happy swimming!

The Last Legion

Honesty Time: I'm pretty sure I haven't seen this movie all the way through. Even More Honesty Time: I don't care. This movie is awful. God. Awful. I am downright ashamed of Colin Firth and Ben Kingsley, even the kid from Love Actually who ducked and dived his way into our hearts. There is so much wasted talent in this sad attempt to capitalize on interest in ancient Rome. And coming from me, that's harsh. I love ancient Rome, not in an "everything was better back then" kind of way, but more of a "it's important to know where you come from" kind of way. I mean, let's face it--they didn't drink coffee or wear pants. I think we've come a long way.

But in spite of my innate interest in antiquity, I could not bother to sit on the couch and stare at the screen long enough to say I've watched this movie all the way through. And I've watched a LOT of bad movies. I even had the added incentive of knowing that one of the soldiers in the movie had been a student in my Classical Epics class--even then, I could not summon the interest.

Hopefully, I've firmly established how uninteresting this movie is. I feel that it had the potential to be more engaging. I mean, they've got all the stuff! The actors, the action scenes, the legend...but I just found this movie to be a rehashing of what other films have done much better. I don't want to waste time talking about things that I really can't say with much authority (because I saw only part of the movie, and a long time ago at that), but I want to bring up a nagging issue for me: why, oh why, must the only girl in such a film be ogled by both the characters and the audience as a novelty in every arena?

Aishwarya Rai is, admittedly, quite a beauty. But let's think about this: she is the only prominent female character in the movie, and is therefore endlessly on display. Her prowess in battle is unexpected and sexy, her looks and tight-fitting attire get her high marks with all the gentlemen, and...that's about it, looks and skillz. If you've read my review of Troy, you are well aware that I can rant for a long time about feminist issues. I don't want to do that here (man, this is one of the most lackluster reviews I've ever written) but I do want to point out once again that just because we're making a movie about ancient times doesn't mean we also have to espouse the gender stereotypes that existed back then. I suppose the fact that Rai's character is allowed anywhere near a sword is progress, but still...come on. Spartacus is evidence that an ancient story can be re-framed to fit a modern agenda. Surely we could have done some tweaking here, too?

One last thought--I am aware of the double standard that even I repeatedly abuse: men aren't allowed to objectify women, but women can look and hoot all they want. It's unfair, I know. But we don't live in a perfect world, and I think the pendulum may be swinging too far in the other direction. I'll admit, I did let a lot of some catcalls fly at Jacob the first time he took off his shirt in New Moon, but I felt really bad about it! (Also, a little skeezed out that I was howling at a 17-year-old werewolf.) So maybe the answer is: a little is ok if done in good humor? Because, let's face it--we're all thinking it anyway.

P.S. Colin Firth was smokin' in this movie :D

THE BEAST, IT IS TAMED

I've finally done it! I have transformed my dust-infested, stuffed animal-laden, childhood toy receptacle of a room into a bona fide living space for a college grad! And it is mine. All mine. My precioussssss, if you will.

Ironically, the proud and possessive feelings I now have for my room sprung directly from the painful-but necessary-decision to remove all of my LOTR posters. All of them. Because I had more than two. At least I barely escaped getting a cardboard cutout of Aragorn.

Taking down posters has been an odd removal of paradigms. When I was 15, I went angsty and put up all my LOTR posters (because that's what no one else did) and decided to paint every inch of my room the most defiant color I could think of--orange. Yeah. I stand by the color 'cause it actually looks pretty cool, but I even painted the baseboards and the ceiling. I'm gonna have to change that soon. Taking down these posters, and even facing the prospect of repainting part of my ORANGE! room white is a big step for me. Mostly because it involves vacuuming the baseboards. Sigh.

Graduation has had an odd effect on me. It has an odd effect on everyone, I know, but what I've found to be true for me (and, I suspect, for many people) is that this time is not just an inevitable sinking into despair. I'm not working yet, so I've had time for The Scouring of the Chambre and other eternally-delayed tasks. It's an interesting process, mostly because you learn that you don't have to be the person you thought you were anymore. I'm thinking also about the fact that I've never considered myself a science-y person, but here I am listening to Morgan Freeman guide me Through the Wormhole and watching the NatGeo channel on a regular basis! I guess what I'm saying is, you don't have to be the person you were in college after college. I'd always thought college was the time when we Define Ourselves, and it is, but life continues after college. Change continues after college. Growth continues after college. 

In the wise words of one of the most trumped-up characters in LOTR: "There is still hope."

Elizabethtown

I first saw this movie in 2006--yes, yes, at the height of Orlando Bloom's popularity, after Lord of the Rings had ended and Pirates was well under way, when it seemed you could walk through no hallway in my high school without confronting pictures of Bloomin' Beautiful in his various visages plastered onto girls' lockers. It was in a world like this that I first encountered Elizabethtown. 

My initial thought in choosing to watch this movie was, "It's Orlando Bloom!" My concluding thought after watching this movie was, "He can actually act!" Keep in mind, the disastrous Troy had come out in 2004, and the world was beginning to wonder--could Orly do anything other than shoot an arrow and go stabby stab with a sword? YES HE COULD. 

His character is Drew Baylor, an ambitious upstart who single-handedly costs his company millions of dollars by designing a severely flawed shoe. In the midst of his pathetically unsuccessful attempt to commit suicide, Drew learns that his father has died. His mission? To represent his small, Oregonian family offshoot to the rest of the clan and fetch his father's body back from Elizabethtown, Kentucky.  

Lack of original score and wide shots aside, this film flies under the radar as one that is modest in scope but substantially epic in meaning. Any film can deal with death, but not every film can mix the perfect cocktail of humor and genuine pain. Elizabethtown takes the unorthodox approach to such serious themes as suicide, death, failure, and ostracism by uncovering the whimsy and passion that can permeate it all. 


The thing I love about this movie is that it brings together the many aspects of life in a much more truthful manner than is typical. It tends to avoid clichés when possible (though I can hardly fault them for playing up the motif of Southern hospitality)--the film prefers to explore the inherent humor of duct-taping a knife to your exercise bike rather than dwelling on its potentially disastrous consequences; a widow who throws herself into a flurry of activity after her husband's recent demise is allowed to be applauded instead of pitied; a lovelorn flight attendant posits that sometimes unlucky moments are the result of wearing unlucky clothes. 


There are so many moments in this movie that validate the experience of the real person over that of the patented Hollywood experience: you don't necessarily cry picturesque, exquisite tears upon hearing your father has died--it takes time for them to come, and sometimes they are interspersed with giggles and snot. My advice: watch this movie with an open mind, because Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst showcase their ability to tap into the heartbeat of the human condition. This movie might not hit you on every level as soon as you see it, but give it time. It was very healing during some rough moments in my life, and my guess is that it will surprise you, too. 

Eclipsed

Hey movie fans! I don't know what you were doing Thursday night at midnight, but I was certainly beating my own record for doing things I'm way too old to do (on that list is the time I hopped up and down on a stationary saddle meant for three-year-olds in front of a green screen of pursuing "injuns" at the Gene Autry Museum. I was ten.) This time around, I was feeding a franchise behemoth meant for teenage girls but somehow attracting their little sisters, their moms, and their boyfriends. You guessed it! I am talking, of course, about the third installment of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Or should I say, Eclipsed? (Do you like what I did there?) Even though I was expecting to howl at this movie even more than the first two because of the inevitable, no-holds-barred man-down, I have to admit I was somewhat disappointed. Why I am surprised by disappointment in a Twilight movie, I don't understand, but I think there was a lot of potential to play up the rivalry that they didn't run with. Also, there was even less plot in this movie than the first two. If that's even possible.

Below is my impression of the movie, for better or worse. I gotta admit, the dialogue was so ridiculous it spoke for itself. I seriously considered just posting what I could remember of the actual script, but that would be not only illegal but also highly uncreative. So here is a scene-by-scene rundown with my impressions:

Rainy Nowhere, Seattle, WA:
Enter Rain-Soaked Nobody as he steps out into the rainy night. Rain drips down his face as he rainily squints rain out of his eyes to look down a rainy alley. A lightning-fast blur emerges out of the rain.

RSN: Who's there? he asks, honestly expecting an answer.
Blur: ...*harassment*
RSN: Who's there?!
Blur: ......*more harassment*
RSN: OMG WHAT DO YOU WANT???!!
Blur: .........*snarf*

His cries echo into the night, only to be replaced by Bella's lilting rendition of "Fire and Ice" by Robert Frost. No, really. 


Meadow of Flowers and Sparkles
Scene opens on Bella and Edward "studying" as he creepily sniffs her hair and she reads a super-complicated poem for her senior AP English final.


Edward: You so smart, baby.
Bella: Stop, Edward, I have to study...*giggle*
Edward: Marry me.
Bella: Is that a question?
Edward: ...Marry me?
Bella: No.
Edward: How 'bout now?
Bella: No. Change me first.
Edward: Marry me first.
Bella: Change me.
Edward: Marry me.
Bella: No means no, Edward. I may want to renounce all my family and friends to spend the rest of eternity with you, but I am NOT about to commit in any "legal" way.
Edward: Ok...marry me.
Bella: Were you listening???
Edward: Daisy chain?

The Swan Nest
Bella returns home at precisely 4pm to find Charlie reading the paper about the missing Rain-Soaked Nobody from Seattle--who is apparently, a Somebody.


Charlie: Well hello, my grounded and annoyingly punctual daughter. You were out with Edward Smarmy-Pants again, weren't you?
Bella: Daaad, you know I have no life apart from Edward Cullen.
Charlie: I just want you to have some distance from him, get some perspective. (He says quite reasonably.)
Bella: I don't understand.
Charlie: I want you to hang out with your other friends.
Bella: ...?
Charlie: JACOB?
Bella: Oh! Oh yeah, he won't talk to me.
Charlie: *facepalm*

Bella retires to her room where she fishes out a note, presumably from Jacob, explaining three different ways (with the first two attempts neatly crossed out, demonstrating that angry hate notes can be both tidy and informative) why he refuses to talk to her. The personal rejection galvanizes her into action.


The Classic Chevy of Emotional Abuse
Bella gets into her truck, intending to drive to the reservation to see Jacob. Repeated attempts to start the engine reveal that it has somehow broken down. Edward suddenly appears in the passenger seat with all the charm and directness of a stalker.


Edward: Are you going to the reservation?
Bella: How did you know?
Edward: How do you think I knew?
Bella: Did you do this to my truck?
Edward: Do you think I did this to your truck?
Bella: Why do we only ever speak in questions???
Edward: Why do you need to see Jacob? Am I not enough for you?
Bella: Haven't you learned by now that I'm a selfish brat who needs her emotional punching bag?
Edward: Can't you tell I need to protect you from those menacing wolves who have absolutely no self control?! (He asks as they sit in the Chevy he sabotaged.)

Forks High, WA
Apparently, having a possessive boyfriend with a penchant for vandalism is not a deal-breaker for Bella, so the two find themselves laughing gaily amidst their not-friends at school during lunch.


Jessica: So, I'm thinking about using my valedictorian speech to immortalize myself at this high school...
Mike: Say something clichéd!
Bella: Jess doesn't need clichés, she's original!
Jessica: Jess? Are we friends?
Bella: ...
Cue Alice to break the ice (because she's awesome) and to further the "plot." Because she's awesome.
Alice: Hey guys, graduation party at my house!
Jessica: We've never been to your house.
Bella: I've been there dozens of times, it's the best--
Jessica: *death glare*
Alice: *visions*
Edward: *can tell*

The Police Station That Only Gets One Case Per Year, Forks
Bella and Edward wait for Charlie outside the police station.


Bella: So what was Alice's vision? I know you saw.
Edward: Fuhgedaboudid.
Bella: Wait, your overbearing nature extends to withholding information?
Edward: Bella, how have we not been over this? This is who I am. Srsly.
Bella: *pout*
Edward: Ok. Fine. It may or may not involve the Volturi.
Bella: Wha--
Charlie: Hey! All this talk about missing kids has made me hungry. Dinner, Bella?
Edward: Hi, Mr. Swan.
Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry, are you here?
Edward: I'll just go, but not before I remind Bella of the plane ticket my parents gave her to Florida. Wasn't that generous, Bella??? Maybe you should go this weekend. Or something.
Charlie: Yeah, get some distance from...Forks. *significant look*
Bella: (ignoring Charlie completely) Yeah, Edward, let's go! Right now! 
Charlie: *grumble*

No Sparkle Zone, Florida
Bella and her mom sunbathe on the patio while Edward passes time by staring at Bella from the kitchen.


Renee: That's a magnetic boyfriend you got there, honey.
Bella: I know. He totally digs me.
Renee: No, I mean, he's like a magnet. You two are always together.
Bella: Nuh-uh. Btw, I'm following him to Alaska.
Renee: *Sigh* Listen. I'm gonna drop some mom-knowledge on you. This doesn't happen often, so pay attention: make the right choices for you, because you have to live with the consequences.
And then she undermines her parental authority by flashing her thong at the camera.


The Most Happening Forest Ever, Washington
Upon Alice's notice, the Cullens wait for Victoria to appear in search of Bella. Their plan: run her to death.


Rosalie: It's a good thing Alice is clairvoyant, otherwise we wouldn't have had time to dress for the occasion.
Carlisle: Sh!

Time passes, crickets chirp...

Alice: She's here.

Emmett: Excelsior!...*tree smash*

Parking Lot, Forks High
Bella and Edward return to Forks where, once again, something interesting has happened while Bella was not there. In the school parking lot, Edward tries to get a grip on how successful his latest attempt to control protect her was, and whether he can top it in the minute to come. Let's take a peak:

Edward: Sure was a lotta sunshine in Florida. Yep. Niiiice, warm sunshine. And you're mom, she's pretty cool. Bet you'll miss her, huh, Bella?
Bella: Is that why we went to Florida? Were you using my mother to guilt me about becoming a vampire? My parent's emotions have no effect on me, Edward.
Edward: Fine, but will you stay in the car for a sec?
Bella: No!
Bella gets out of the car and pulls up the Hood of Angsty Confrontation on her sweatshirt. Cue Jacob waiting by his motorcycle in a tight, black shirt. His back is to the camera, but he senses Bella's intoxicating freesia scent, and the wolf within awakes. He turns to look at her, slowly, carefully, smoldering-ly. Teenage girls everywhere sound their own wolf whistles in response. 
Jacob: 'sup, Deadward. Just wanted to remind you that we don't take kindly to your kind on our land, even if you are chasing down a Cold One--and I don't mean beer. Bella, you're welcome any time.
Bella: Victoria was here? Edward, did you know about this?
Edward: ...I was prot--
Bella: You lied to me! Again! We'll talk about this after I take a ride on Jacob's motorcycle--Jacob, why are you smiling, this is serious. No, I don't think that could be taken two ways.

Male Stripper Training Camp, WA
Jacob and Bella arrive at La Push to be greeted by the Shirtless Men Gang (!) with a surprising addition.


Jacob: So, Leah is totally a werewolf now.
Bella: Is that why she was so mean to me just now? Were-mones?
Jacob: Nah, she just hates you. I wish she weren't one of us, though, it's awful.
Bella: Hey, girls are strong and independent, and she can wolf if she wants to! She can leave your friends behind! 'Cause your friends don't wolf and if they don't wolf--
Jacob: I meant it's because I can hear all of her tortured thoughts about Sam, Bella. Geez, I'm not a male chauvinist pig like some people.
So then Jacob waxes on about what it's like to imprint on someone, not that he ever has, because boy, Bella, would you know it. Once it's clear that Jacob hasn't tagged and bagged her as his future bride, Bella thinks it's a good time to bring up that graduation is vamp time for her, which makes Jacob channel Anakin Skywalker in episode 2 and get all "Jacob ANGRY" and "He's holding me back!" He actually throws something across the room and tells Bella it would be better if she were actually dead than a vampire. Way to ruin a good moment, Jake.


La Chambre de Bella, Moanville
Newly-vamped Riley decides he also needs a whiff of Bella's outrageous scent because, hey, what vampire hasn't sniffed Bella and told her how intoxicating she is? At least Riley goes out on a limb for the "most-restrained vampire" award by getting all up in Charlie's face only to prove to--no one--how close he can get. But wait, Bella's home and who is that nefariously stepping around the corner??? It's...


Charlie: Why weren't you home for dinner?
Bella: I was with Jake like you wanted, Dad.
As Charlie is forced to eat his words (unfairly, I might add--the wise words of Charlie are shut down at every turn in this movie), Edward arrives at the door looking for all his life like a flustered mother whose daughter forgot to call. 
Edward: Where were you? Do you know how worried I've been? You are in big trouble, young lady!
And then the creepiness is kicked up to a new level as he smells that the sanctity of her room has been invaded by another vampire that was not him and how could she let this happen???


Clan Cullen Headquarters, WA
Wardo and Bella skip over to his house to consult with the Black-Eyed V's and smartly conclude that, once again, Bella needs protection (don't worry Bella, soon you'll need much more protection than that. So, so much more.) But who could possibly assist the vampires in undertaking this daunting task?...WONDER-DOG!!!


And So It Begins...,WA
Jacob arrives to protect Bella, wearing the only shirt he owns, which is Edward's cue to throw a hissy fit about how he should be the one protecting Bella and Jacob's going to yearn all over her and mess up their special yearning-ship, or something.


Bella: Enough! From now on, I'm Switzerland, ok? (She actually says that.)

The vamps and the werewolves team up for the common good of preserving monotony, allowing the vampires to hunt at night while the wolves keep watch. Only for Bella.


On the Road to Hyper-Awareness, Groanville
After school, Edward escorts Bella to Jacob who is waiting on the side of the road, shirtless.


Edward: Here, Bella, I packed you some snacks, and here's a picture of me in case you forget me, and doesn't that boy own a shirt?
Bella: Not when I'm around...*blushes*
Edward: Well, here's a vial of my urine in case he forgets who owns you, k? Love ya, babe.
Bella toddles over to Jacob, who wraps her in what could be deemed a bear-hug, though I am currently considering how to apply wolf imagery. I'm sure it's possible.
Jacob: So what do you want to do today?
Bella: SEX.
Jacob: Huh?
Bella: I said I wanna go to your secret council meeting.

Newbie Bonfire, La Push...O hai, Bella


Jacob: Hey Bella, I brought you here because I thought you should hear the stories of my people. These are secret, ancient stories that not even Seth, or Leah, or any other Quileutes have heard yet, so I thought it was only appropriate that you be here. Also, I thought you might need some heavy-handed foreshadowing.
Billy: Come, gather round. Tonight, I will tell you of how the Quileutes became shape-shifters, how we became the enemies of the Cold Ones, and how all of this might possibly have a bearing on the rest of the movie. But first, we're gonna need a flashback (♪ oh, it takes a flashback ♫):

Flashback #1 (Because there are more than one in this movie)
Enter a long-haired, ruffle-shirted man licking the blood off his lips so we know for sure that he is a vampire, and an old-timey one at that. Pan right. Enter three bare-chested Quileutes enraged by his presence who automatically shift into wolf-form, the better to challenge him. They tear the vampire apart and burn the pieces, intuiting what to do despite the fact that they have never encountered another vampire, much less phased into wolves, before. 


Billy: The learning curve of our people was strong. But they feared the Cold One had a mate, and soon after she arrived and terrorized the village. The chief fought against her, but his son had died, so with the chief would die the leadership of the tribe. When it looked like the chief was about to be conquered by the Cold One, his wife sacrificed herself for the tribe. She had no special power, no inclination that perhaps she could rule the tribe. But she had courage. She stabbed herself, and the blood distracted the Cold One long enough for the chief to destroy her. The wife saved the chief, and so she saved the tribe.
Jacob: That's where I come from, babe. Just wanted to share that part of myself with you...

Clan Cullen Headquarters, Sparkle Zone


Emmett: What's the haps on this newborn biz?
Carlisle: I'm not sure, let's watch CNN.
Jasper: Newborns are bloodthirsty...and strong...
Carlisle: ...Yes. And why haven't the Volturi stopped them?
Edward:(with a long-suffering sigh) Isn't it obvious, father? Aro wants to collect me and Alice so badly that he's willing to destroy our clan. If the Cullens don't exist, Alice and I just might join his ranks.
OMG was that another plot dot? Some day it might grow up into a point.


Swan Kitchen, Forks
Charlie is reading an article about the missing kid from a year ago when Bella saunters in.


Bella: Are they still looking for that kid? He's been missing for over a year!
Charlie: Yeah, well, if it were me, I'd never give up looking for you, kiddo. Not ever. Humble pie?

La Chambre de Bella, Angstville


Bella: It just occurred to me that I'm going to have to get my story together if you ever turn me. I need an alibi if I'm never going to see Charlie and Renee again.
Edward: Just wait it out, they'll die. End of problem.
Bella: I know you don't want to turn me. It's because I won't be...intoxicating anymore, isn't it? She bites her lip as she looks away.
Edward: It's because I don't want to risk your soul. You'll always be my Bella, scent or no scent...sniiiiiiff.

Cold Front Moving In

Jacob: Bella, we're running out of time. I wanted to do this smoothly, but it looks like I'm just going to have to force myself on you. Bella, I love you. Choose me.
Bella: No.
Jacob: Bella, don't you see? You wouldn't have to change for me, or say goodbye to anyone. I'm your future baby's soul mate.
And then he undermines the validity of his claim by force-wolf-macking on her. In a fleeting moment of self-preservation, Bella punches him in the face, only to howl with pain as the contrivances of Meyer's "story" prevent Bella from measuring up in any mental, emotional, or physical way to her love interests--werewolves have faces of steel, didn't you know?

Man-down Number 146,587
Edward is in a snit and waiting in the driveway for Bella and Jacob to return.

Edward: HOW DARE YOU IF YOU EVER TOUCH HER AGAIN I WILL--
Bella: Edward! Calm down!
Edward: You wait for her to say the word! You WAIT and WAIT and WAIT, that's what HEALTHY relationships consist of--
Charlie: Simma down now. What happened?
Jacob: I told Bella I loved her. Then I kissed Bella. And then she punched me. (Now, how come I'm totally on your side again? Oh, it must be because Edward's there.)
Bella: Dad, my hand is totally broken. How come you never taught me how to punch werewolves before?

Clan Cullen Headquarters, Sparkle Zone


Carlisle: Stop crying, Bella, this is just a sprain.
Emmett: What happened?
Bella: I punched a werewolf in the face.
Emmett: Badass! You're gonna make a bitchin' newborn!
Bella: *giggle*...Thanks :)
Rosalie gets up and leaves. Bella follows.
Bella: Um, why do you hate me, Rosalie? I know it can't be my personality.
Rosalie: I don't hate you (Rose! I thought we were in this together!), I envy you. You have a choice, and you're making the wrong one!
Bella: (Her wisdom-o-meter shutting down completely) Rose, I'm not perfect, and this is what I want.
Rosalie: I was. I had the perfect life. I'll tell you all about it, but first, I'm gonna need a flashback (♪ oh, it takes a flashback ♫):

Flashback #2


Rosalie: I was just a beautiful girl who was in love with love and white berets. I had a fiancé, because I was beautiful. The world was my oyster because I was beautiful. Life was perfect.
Bella: :)
Rosalie: And then I was gang-raped by my fiancé and his friends.
Bella: :O
Rosalie: But I got my revenge--my awesome, theatrical revenge. After Carlisle vamped me, beauty became my special power. And yes, beauty is a power. I don't know why that's relevant, but I thought you should know that I'm beautiful, Bella. Anyway, I killed all my former fiancé's friends and saved him for last so he would know I was coming. When he was huddled in a corner of his hotel room, I barged in wearing the dress I would have worn at our wedding and proceeded to drain him of his blood. It was awesome. And then I met Emmett.
Bella: o_O
Rosalie: But all the theatrical revenge in the world won't give you babies, Bella! And I really just want gray hair, a porch, and fat grandkids. Get it?
Bella: Maybe that's what you want, but I will never, ever, want babies. I will only ever want Edward.
Rosalie: *facepunch*

White Riot
Riley's flock of newborns have gotten a little out of hand, so of course he has to put his foot down and tell them to clean up their mess and wash behind the ears and this is why we can't have nice things and so on. Meanwhile, the Volturi (there they are!) are watching from a hidden vantage point. Felix says something stupid about asking Aro what to do about them, which means it's time for the Jane Pain.


Jane: Aro's decisions are being watched. (Duh, Felix, how did you not know that?)
Alec: Then what do you suggest we do, sister? (It seems Alec's "power" is to magnify how awesome his sister is.)
Jane: Do we let them do what they were created for (a ha!) or end them? Decisions, decisions...
Felix: *twitch*

Oh Yeah, They're in High School
Graduation time!


Jessica: Today, I decided to dedicate my Valedictorian speech to Bella: Now is the time to make mistakes, fall in love a lot, realize that nothing is permanent, and learn from your mistakes so you'll eventually figure out what it is you truly want. Peace!


Two Guys, a Girl, and a Psychic Chic
Alice's graduation party is in full swing when Jacob's wolf pack and Muse's new song make their appearances. 


Jacob: Hey Bella, sorry about the whole kissing thing. I could pawn it off on being a werewolf, but really, it was just me being an ass. So I'm sorry.
Bella: You're admitting your mistakes to me? I...wh-...no one's ever done that before!
Edward: *fume*
Alice: Uhh, I just saw a bunch of newborns sniffing Bella's shirt.
Jacob: What the eff does that mean? (It means it's all about Bella again, Jake-Jake)
Alice: It means we don't have to go to Seattle...............*dramatic pause*................they're coming here. Dun dun DUN!

We're Actually Gonna Need a Montage

Newborns are more powerful than older vampires because they still carry a trace of human blood (which makes no sense, but whatever), so it is Jasper's job to train the vampires and werewolves in the skillful art of fighting newborns to hip background music.

Jasper: Newborns are bloodthirsty...and strong...

Everyone else: ...

Jasper: So you have to be aware of that when you attack them like any other vampire. You know how you wouldn't let a regular vampire get his arms around you? Well, you doubly can't let that happen with newborns.   Let's begin!

Cue music. Each Cullen takes on Jasper in turn, each Cullen is defeated until Alice dazzles them all with her awesomeness. 

Jasper: So, that's it for today. Werewolves, you can fend for yourselves, right?

The Excuse For a Segue Into...

Bella: Jasper! What can I do to help?

Jasper: Your scent helps...it'll...drive 'em crazy...

Bella: How do you know so much about newborns?

Jasper: I was the youngest major in the Texas cavalry!

Bella: I didn't know that!

Jasper: Sure! I'll tell you all about it with my random Southern accent! But first, I'm gonna need a flashback (♫ oh, it takes a flashback ♪)

...Flashback #3

Jasper: I was a cavalry officer in the war of Northern Aggression. One night, I decided to ride down to the river by myself. There were three women waiting there looking kind of weird, and they said a lot of vaguely threatening things, but I decided it would be a good idea to approach them. And one of them turned me. Could you believe my luck? I didn't see it coming. 

Bella: *Nods sympathetically*

Jasper: Her name was Maria. I became her number one, and it was my job to train newborns to fight so Maria could take over territory with her own army. We trained by day and snogged by night. She would only let the newborns live a year. It was my job to...dispose of them. But then, I found Alice. Now, she had seen me coming, mind you.

Alice: You kept me waiting long enough.

Jasper: My apologies, ma'am. Alice cuts off his arbitrary Southern narration with a kiss. Bella stands awkwardly, watching them, finally beginning to understand what it's like for everyone else. 

Another Super-Helpful Dream

Bella's subconscious again does back flips while she sleeps, connecting the complicated dots that Victoria wanting her dead + Newborn army heading for Forks = They are probably working together. Now, if she could only dream of Edward as a smothering security blanket...

Edward: Based on your dream last night, we've decided you need to hide.

Bella: No, I won't just give up like that. And I need to be near you. We're vulnerable when we're apart (and together)

Edward: Ok, we'll stay together. You like camping, right?

The Forest of Contrivances

To tuck Bella safely away where the newborns won't be able to sniff her, Jacob and his wolf stench must carry Bella to the campsite. Of course, Jacob arrives shirtless for the dry run. And of course, there's a dry run because...?

Jacob: Take it easy, Edward. This'll work. Trust me. (scooping up Bella into his arms)

Edward: DON'T DAWDLE. 

When Jacob and Bella are thick in the woods, Jacob slows to a walk and they decide to have a heart to heart.

Bella: So Jake, I want you to know that I don't--

Jacob: GUESS WHAT I TOTALLY COULD HAVE BEEN THE ALPHA MALE OF MY PACK DOES THAT CHANGE YOUR MIND???

Bella: That's...hot.

Jacob: >:D

The Swan Nest

Alice and Charlie are chatting happily as Bella arrives home. 

Alice: So, I just fixed your alibi with your dad so he won't know more vampires want to kill you dead. We're going camping!

Bella: Ugh, I hate camping.

Alice: No, we, The Cullens, are going "camping," as in hunting tonight. You and Edward will have the house to yourselves. Get it?

Bella:

Swan Kitchen, Forks

This scene was actually well done, I thought. It's almost hard to make fun of it.

Bella: Hey Dad, I was just randomly wondering...what do you think of marriage?

Charlie: ??!?!!

Bella: In general.

Charlie: I think it's great when you're older. You don't want to rush into it because you made wrong...choices.

Bella: Daaaad, we're not having this talk, are we?

Charlie: Well, I don't wanna have this talk!

Bella: Well, I don't either!

...

Charlie: But we have to!

Bella: Fine!

Charlie: Fine!

Bella: I'm a virgin!

Charlie: Great!

Bella: Glad to tell ya! Bella leaves quickly

...

Charlie: Edward can stay. *sips coffee*

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Sexy Time

Bella arrives at Edward's house to hear he's got the slow jams on (Claire de Lune by Debussy, in case you didn't know what song they're going to play at their wedding). He's also invested in a giant new bed and is surprised to find that Bella is taken aback by, but not unreceptive to, the lit candles. 

Bella: (taking the hint) So, you wanna...?

Edward: What are you talking about?

Bella: You know...the music, the candles, the bed...

Edward: I just wanted you to be comfortable tonight. I don't know what you're gonna do, but I'm gonna be watching Ace of Cakes.

Bella: Look, I know you won't vamp me until you marry me, but I won't marry you until you sex me.

Edward: Bella, don't be childish--

Bella: I want every human experience before I'm a newborn and the only thing I want is blood!

Edward: No, it's way too dangerous, I could kill you. There is no condom for the heart, Bella.

Bella: If you try, I'll marry you. (Man, she drives a soft bargain.)

So they try, and we get the legendary leg hitch we've all been waiting for:

But then:

Edward: Stop undressing! It's not nice!

Bella: But--!

Edward: We can't do this.

Bella: *sigh*

Edward: I just want to be married first.

Bella: *SIGH*

Edward: I come from a different time, Bella. Back in my day, I would have been happy to have a chaperoned stroll with you, with iced tea on the porch, and maybe a stolen kiss or two. Then I would have asked the permission of your father, gotten down on one knee, and presented you with my mother's ugly-ass ring. 

(For the record, that speech was almost verbatim. And apparently, it works on Bella because she finally says yes.)

Oh, There's Victoria!

The villainness is revealed! And she's whispering into Riley's ear as if she's been there the whole time.

Riley: What do you MEAN you're not coming with us to Forks?

Victoria: It has to be a last minute decision for me to go, otherwise Alice will see it. I've explained this to you already, Riley. I'm doing this for us, and this is not at all about avenging James, I swear.

Riley: Who?

Precious Cargo

Bella decides that if the only way she can contribute is to smear her blood in random places, she's going to do it, and well. 

Edward: You're not wearing your ring?

Bella: I didn't want to bleed on it.

Edward: Or let a certain werewolf pee on it?

Bella: ...yeah.

Edward: Oh well, I must away to set up our campsite. (And then he leaves after practically making out with the brim of her beanie.)

The Epic-ness Ensues

In order to indicate to the average movie-goer that the film has kicked up its tempo, shots of people walking, running, or standing still are set to epic background music, giving the impression that all the "story lines" are colliding to spiral toward the inevitable climax, which is...?!

Newborns can look at water!

Jacob can run up a hill carrying Bella!

Edward can sparkle!

Newborns can walk through water!

Jacob can still run!

A TENT!

The Infamous Tent Scene

Edward ponders his own stupidity at forgetting that Bella isn't already dead as he watches her freeze and convulse. Enter Human Space Heater.

Edward: Forget it!

Jacob: She might need her toes someday. And you gotta admit, I am hotter than you. (Actual line. Actual. Incredible. Line.)

Bella: D-d-d-on-t-t-t-t f-fffff-fiiiiight.

Jacob jumps into her sleeping bag, she presses herself to him like a fly to honey, and Jacob makes a crack about her warming up faster if she takes her clothes off (I agree, Jake, it was a necessary quip). Time passes, Edward looks even more tortured, until finally:

Edward: Stop thinking nasty thoughts! It's improper!

Jacob: Whatever, I hate you, get outta mah miiiindd!!! I'm better for her anyway.

Edward: I know. I didn't want her to be a vampire, so I emotionally manipulated her by leaving and it still didn't work.

Jacob: And she...still wants you after that?

Edward: Hey, I'm not one to judge poor self-esteem. I won't force her into anything anymore. At least, not overtly. (Truck, anyone?) Ya know, Jacob, I kinda like you.

Jacob: Ya know, Edward, I still think you're scum.

Bella: *not actually REM-ing*

The Morning After

Bella: I'm sorry I almost died last night, that must have been really hard for you, Edward.

Edward: It was. Don't do it again, Mrs. Cullen, eh eh?

Jacob: YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?!?!?!

Bella: Jaaaaaake!!

Jacob: JACOB ANGRY SMASH KILL RAWR

Bella: Down, boy!

Jacob: NO I HAVE TO GO DIE NOW

Bella: No, don't! I don't want you to get hurt!

Jacob: CAN'T HEAR YOU I GO DIE NOW

Bella: Kiss me! I'm asking you to kiss me!

Jacob: *Scooby Doo "Huh?"*

And then they make out. Epically.

Bella: Oh hi, Edward. Nothing just happened.

Edward: I could hear Jacob's thoughts. I guessed. 

Bella: I don't know what to say.

Edward: You love him.

Bella: I love you more.

Edward: It's cool, we can still totally get married.

Bella: Where did Jake go???

And So It Begins...Again.

While Edward and Bella are nestled out of harm's way, the Cullens and the werewolves prepare for the final showdown with the newborns.

Carlisle: Cullen line of leather defense, assemble!

Newborns: INEXPERIENCED RAWR

Cullens: EXPERIENCED RAWR

Werewolves: Ok, I didn't know vampires were made of velcro and clay.

Edward narrates the fight to Bella, but Victoria's boy-toy Riley sneaks up on them and attacks!

Edward: You don't want to do this, Riley. She's using you. Believe me, I can spot manipulation when I see it. 

Riley: Nuh-uh!

Edward: Look, I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, but her vendetta goes back to the first movie long before you were made when I killed her mate, James.

Riley: Who?

Edward: Think about it--you're from Forks. How could she ever love you?

Bella: I knew it!

Riley: DIE!

Seth attacks Riley and pins him down. Victoria is about to skip out but Edward baits her until she puts on her shake face and leaps on him. They fight, she flees into a tree, and he knocks the tree over to get her out.

Bella: That wasn't very eco-friendly, Edward. 

Victoria: *Edward headlock*

Riley: *Edward arm rip*

Bella! The foreshadowing! Use the foreshadowing!

Bella: *arm slice, blood spurt*

Victoria: ???

Edward: Did you actually NOT try to kill yourself for once?

Edward gets the upper hand, decapitates Victoria, then walks over to Bella all "Hey baby, Imma fix your arm. Then He rips part of her shirt for a tourniquet, then pulls out his handy-dandy Vampire Zippo and drops it on Victoria's body, which immediately goes up in flames. Vampires are made out of clay, velcro, AND KEROSENE?!?!?!

Back on the Battlefield

Jacob: *LAST-DITCH RAWR!*

Newborn: *Right-side bone smash*

Jacob: *naked howl*

And then Carlisle and Esme offer a particularly young newborn asylum because compassion is Carlisle's special special gift, and then the Volturi arrive :D

Jane: What's all this?

Carlisle: Nuthin' (as he shifts to cover their new pet)

Jane: (Spotting the newborn) Jane Pain activate!

Esme: Stop! She'll tell you whatever you want to kn--actually, keep going, I haven't gotten much of a chance to talk in this movie. What are you doing to her, Jane, she's just an innocent child! Oh, the horror!!!

Carlisle: Btw, we think Victoria created the newborn army.

Jane: O RLY???

Male Stripper Training Camp, WA

Bella arrives to hear Jacob's cries of anguish as Carlisle re-breaks and sets his bones. 

Jacob: Nargh!

Billy: You can go see him, Bella. He's been asking for you. Not for his pack or his father, or anyone else who's been listening to him scream for the last three hours, but he's been asking for you.

Bella: Cool.

Jacob: Ok: Number 1: Did we make Edward jealous?

Bella: No.

Jacob: Damn!...Number 2: Did the kiss change your mind?

Bella: No.

Jacob: Number 3: GTFO.....But Bella? I'll still wait for you.

Insert Feminist Speech Here

Bella: Now that we've decided we're getting married, I think we should do it as soon as possible because I don't want to be yet another year older than you.

Edward: Sounds reasonable. Why are you doing this?

Bella: Can you help me with my soapbox first? Thanks. I'm not doing this for you, Edward. The choice was never between you and Jacob, obviously. It was a choice between who I should be, and who I am. I've never fit in anywhere. I've crashed, burned, and bled my way through life. But in your world, I feel safe...and strong. I can do anything as long as I'm out of harm's way. I want to be part of your world, and if I have to be a vampire to do it, then that's where I belong. 

Edward: It's...it's not about me?

Bella: Nope, sorry. But we have one more thing to do before we plan this wedding.

Edward: Sex is NOT--

Bella: We have to tell Charlie. So I'm gonna need that ugly-ass ring.

THE END

Final Thoughts:

1) I think Rosalie's been drinking diet blood lately.

2) I like how Jasper's character development amounts to finally being useful for things other than trying to kill Bella.

3) Edward did not sparkle NEARLY enough for my liking.

4) Bella's character is irredeemable, even if some feminist lines were shoehorned into her dialogue.
5) Nuff said about the wig.

New Swoon

This blog was originally posted November 26, 2009. It has been edited and reposted from my other website.

This past Thursday, I ventured into the wild with my friend Kat to continue a most sacred tradition: attending the midnight screening of Twilight.

Since we are neither thirteen-year-old girls or their mothers (don't get me started on the horror that is the Twilight mom fanbase), I have to admit a certain amount of shame. But since we also came armed with a predisposition to mockery, I think we are somewhat redeemed. What follows is (as near as I can reconstruct) a blow-by-blow of the night. I will let it speak for itself.

Me: I'm so excited to see New Moon!

Kat: I can't wait for the awfulness to ensue!

(We wait in line for a good 15 minutes before we realize that we're in line for a later showing and our theater is already open. Enter completely packed theater.)

Me: Sh**

Kat: (pointing to about five empty seats) Excuse me, are you saving these seats?

Twilighter: Yeah, sorry, they're ALL saved.

Us: GAH! UNFAIR!

(Eventually, we find two empty seats in the first row of the main seating area on the farthest left.)

Kat: I'm going to go buy Reese's Pieces.

Me: Hopefully we won't lose them under our seats like last year!

Kat: Give me the ticket so I can get back in the theater without being ripped to shreds.

Me: (tossing her the ticket like a life preserver) Good luck!

(10 minutes and $4.25 later)

Kat: We still have an hour...

Me: Let's catch up on life!

(A deep conversation about life/the future/senior year paradoxically occurs in the theater waiting for New Moon. Hah. Start previews.)

Everyone: Aaahhh!!!!!

Me and Kat: *snicker*

(A preview shows with Robert Pattinson in a different movie . I confusedly point at the screen because he's not supposed to show up yet. The suspense has been RUINED.)

Everyone: Aaaahhh!!!! (clapping subsides as RPattz kisses another girl on screen)

Me: But he's only supposed to kiss Bella, I don't understand!

Kat: Bella or meeeee!

(Previews end. New Moon starts with an image of a full moon.)

Kat: But...you can't see a new moon, that's the whole point!

(Title slowly appears as the moon disappears)

Me: Oh, clever.

(First scene of the movie and Edward is already sparkling...foreshadowing a fateful sparkle to

come???)

I suppose I should lay out the recurring motifs of this movie now: Edward sparkles, Jacob flexes, Bella zombies; there are dramatic close-up of chaste eye sex, cheesy Edward-hallucinations, aaaand several utterly ridiculous things that would only happen in the Twilight universe. And, back to the movie:

Bella is sooo reluctant to turn 18 OMG Edward is 17 and she's a coug! No one can celebrate except her father (who gives her an "actually great" camera) and the entire Cullen family because they insist. And Jacob, who possessively hugs her after giving her a dreamcatcher. But other than that, no one else. And God, Bella, be NORMAL and just be happy to become a legal adult. Sheesh!

Bella: Turn me, Edward. I'm getting old and wrinkly fast. 18 is just the beginning!!

Kat as Edward: No, I'll totally still want you and all your wrinkly parts in 80 years.

Bella: *angst*

(Zoom to English class where they are watching the heavy-handed foreshadowing movie, Romeo and Juliet.)

Edward: So I was totally going to kill myself if you didn't live at the end of the last movie.

Bella: Sad. How?

Edward: There are, like, these vampires in Italy called, like, the Volturi...(insert "exposition" here)...Basically, they keep vampires from revealing to humans that they are vampires, because the law is, like, don't.

Teacher: Are you guys listening back there??? What did Romeo just say, Edward?

Edward: Allow me to simultaneously pwn you by reciting the last twelve lines verbatim, teacher, and strongly foreshadow my state of mind at the end of this movie!

Bella: HOT.

Enter the Cullen house. Alice has pulled out all the stops, Emmett has already installed a radio in Bella's car (because she has no choice in the matter, of course) and everyone loves her except Rosalie, who looks like she knows what's coming. Maybe she gave her an extra papery birthday card on purpose? The sneak!

Bella: Ow! Papercut. I knew I couldn't make it through 20 minutes without bleeding.

(Dramatic blood drop on white carpet. Suddenly everything is in slow motion--which for

vampires is sloooooooooow.)

Edward: Oh ****.

( Jasper hurtles himself toward Bella with a gleam in his eye, Edward's solution is to

FLING Bella backwards into a wooden and glass table.)

Edward: You think that hurt, Bella? Your entire arm may be bleeding, but imagine what Jasper would have done to you. My way was BETTER.

Bella: *whimper*

Alice: The blood, it smells so good!

Carlisle: Time to go, Bella.

(Outside Bella's house by her truck)

Bella: So...

Edward: Yeah...

Bella: Since it's still my birthday, can I ask one thing? Kiss me...

Me: He looks pained!

Kat: Why are they grunting???

(The next day in school and Edward is not there. Also, Bella sucks at scrapbooking. Skip ahead to the sentence of death.)

Edward: Take a walk with me. (Kat and I flip out for Bella 'cause she so obviously does not understand the horror that is coming. THE HORROR.)

Edward: So, my family and I are leaving Forks for a totally fake reason not related to my not-brother almost killing you on your birthday.

Bella: Great, let me pack and break my dad's heart again so I can disappear with you.

Edward: You're not coming.

Bella: Whaaa???

Edward: I don't love you. It's been fun! K, bye now.

Bella: So shocked, must crawl around in leaves and dirt to cope...

(This part of the movie was of particular interest to Kat and me. In the book, Bella's life ceases to exist because she is so numb that Edward has left her. I'm not kidding, the next four pages are the names of the months "October. November. December. January." with NOTHING WRITTEN IN THEM. Because what is life without a boy? NOTHING.)

Kat: Will the screen fade to black for half an hour?

Me: Only if they wanna do it right.

(Compromise! A camera 360s around Bella as she sits in her room and looks out the window at the changing seasons. For each full revolution, a month passes. Of course. At this point, I was not only infuriated/delighted, I was dizzy.)

Charlie: I'm worried about you, Bella. You wake up screaming like a banshee in the middle of the night and I can't sleep no mo'. Shut UP. And get a life.

Bella: No prob, dad. I just now decided I'm going to a movie with Jessica-who-I-hate so you don't have to worry about me anymore!

(After the movie, Jessica is talking non-stop in what I think is one of the most amusing innovations of this movie: script that was not in the book. And I do believe that she makes some reference to the zombies in the movie they just saw looking like they had leprosy and is that supposed to be funny? Because it is so NOT funny, her cousin had leprosy...beautiful. I love you so much right now, Jessica.)

Bella: Hey, I think I see the guys who tried to rape me! I'm gonna go say hi!

Jessica: Wtf, Bella?

(Cheesy Edward-hallucination time!)

Edward-ination: Turn around, Bella, they're dangerous.

Bella: Edward! My savior! Are you overprotecting me again? I'm just gonna keep walking toward danger so I can continue to see you, oh figment-of-my-imagination.

Edward-ination: Srsly, Bella, turn around.

Bella: Nope. Hey guys, can I ride on your hog?

Jessica: BELLA!!!!

(As Bella dodges misty Edward-faces on the Terror Hog of Death, she puts two and two together: danger/impending death = seeing Edward. And thus, an adrenaline junkie was born.)

Bella: Jacob, I've decided I want to risk my life much more frequently than I do now. Will you help me by fixing up these old motorcycles?

Jacob: If it means getting time to spend with you? Yesssss.

(I really hoped they would have a sappy montage of Bella watching Jacob fix the motorcycles, but no such luck. Apparently dialogue is so necessary to watch their relationship develop. Being 16, Jacob feels the need to prove his manhood to the 18-year-old Bella.)

Jacob: So I can totally fix motorcycles and you can't, so that makes me like, 35, right?

Bella: What? You're 16, don't play, Jacob. I love being your friend, you make me feel alive again, but I don't want to be a cougar. I only date guys that are a hundred years older than me. It's weird if the girl is older.

Jacob: Whatevs.

(Bella tries out the motorcycle for the first time and OF COURSE crashes and knocks her head on a giant rock. But she doesn't feel it 'cause she saw Edward and even talked to him and that's all that matters, right?)

Jacob: Bella, you're bleeding.

Bella: Sorry.

Jacob: Why are you apologizing for bleeding? (WHY INDEED.)

Bella: ...

Jacob: Let me take off my shirt unnecessarily to reveal to you my glorious abs under the pretense of dabbing ineffectively at your head!

Bella: You know, you're kinda beautiful. (Somewhere, Ben Barnes and the rest of Hyrise are singing "Leading Me On")

(Something else not-happens in the movie here, but I don't remember what it is. Because it doesn't further the plot, and Jacob didn't take his shirt off. So it's not important.)

Jacob: I should have fixed these motorcycles slower to give mah-self more time with you.

Bella: Then let's go see a movie with all the friends I've ignored from high school.

Jacob: Coo'.

(Bella and Jacob see shirtless guys cliff-diving. Bella is so alarmed she pulls her truck to the side of the road and gets out.)

Bella: OMG! That guy is trying to commit suicide!

(REMEMBER YOUR FIRST IMPRESSION OF CLIFF-DIVING, BELLA).

Jacob: Chill, they're just cliff-diving. Btw, I hate those guys, they're like, a gang, and they keep looking at me like they're waiting for me to join them. (BABY PLOT POINT)

Bella: Well, just stay away from them. (NO BELLA, DO NOT KILL THE BABY PLOT POINT, IT'S SO YOUNG.)

(Mike and Jacob waiting outside the theater for Bella.)

Mike: So you're like, what, 14?

Jacob: No!

Mike: Are you old enough to see this movie? Cause I totally am and that is why Bella should love me!

Jacob: Bella's buying my ticket, so...shoot. (Enter Bella)

Bella: Everyone else canceled! It's just us.

*awkward*

(In the theater, Jacob has his hand propped open, waiting for Bella's caressing touch. Zoom over to Mike--same thing. In the middle, Bella's arms are firmly crossed. Oh Bella, I feel soooo bad for you, the pain of having two boys want you at once! How do you get by?)

Mike: I'm gonna hurl! (sprints out of theater, Bella and Jacob leave too, for no reason except to

have this totally necessary plot-point conversation, and wait in the lobby for him. No really, it

actually kinda furthers the "plot" a little. You'll see.)

Jacob: What a wimp, you should totally hold out for someone with a stronger stomach, Bella. Someone who laughs at the gore that makes weaker men vomit. (He actually says that. Obvious much?)

Bella: I'll keep that in mind AND NO YOU CAN'T HOLD MY HAND, JACOB! I mean you can...I mean, I don't know...

Jacob: I would never hurt you like that lame-ass vampire, Bella, let me demonstrate by putting my super-warm forehead close to yours.

Bella: Let me cave in like the tease that I am.

Mike: I'm interrupting! Gotta go home, now.

Jacob: COCK BLOCK! (Looks verrrrry angry)

Mike: Dude...

Bella: Dude...?

Jacob: I'm feeling kinda weird, ok? Lay off! (cause he has a case of wolf flu, it's the latest epidemic in La Push.)

(Bella cannot deal with the craziness of her empty life now that Jacob is quarantined with "mono" and hikes to the Meadow of Sparkles to reimagine what it was like to be with Wardo. Of course, it's winter, so everything is dead--like their love.)

Laurent: 'sup, Bella?

Bella: Laurent! So good to see you! Why are your eyes red?

Laurent: Just stopping by to see the Cullens. But they're not...around...are they?

Edward-ination: Lie!

Bella: No, Laurent, they're totally here!

Edward-ination: Lie betterrrr!!

Bella: They stop by and check on me all the time! E...Ed...Edward worries if I don't!

Laurent: Yah right, food.

(Enter snarling wolves as Laurent attempts to make good on Victoria's promise to kill Bella. One looks at her a little too seductively for a wolf.)

Bella: Hey dad, those "bears" in the woods? NOT BEARS. (*plot point*)

(Bella is still cut off from Jacob while he is sick, so she goes to see Jacob in the rain, all pitiful and wet, only to discover that he is walking around outside. Shirtless.)

Bella: Jacob! I thought you were too sick to go outside, you LIED to me with your lying face of lies!!

Jacob: Go away, Bella, I'm going through some changes.

Me: Puberty?

Jacob: Just, just go. It's not you, it's me.

Bella: Are you breaking up with me? *pout* (Wait, Bella, I thought you didn't want Jacob like that? MAKE UP YOUR MIND.)

(It is at this point that I have ceased to remember what order certain scenes are in. I don't think, however, that the order truly matters, given the lack of plot. Here are some key moments in the movie.)

Jacob: (throwing rocks at her window) Yo St-...Bella! I'm coming up! (Jacob jumps into her room through her window by acrobatically bouncing off a tree and the side of the house. Nope, Charlie didn't hear that, you're good, Jacob. Also, teen girls everywhere swoon as yet another popular fantasy is fulfilled onscreen for them. Also, what is Bella doing to Jacob's stomach?)

Jacob: I have a secret that I can't tell you.

Bella: Gar! *Angst* Let's run away together!

Jacob: Would if I could. Remember the story I told you on the beach about the Quileutes and the Cold Ones? You know, when you (used me) flirted with me so long ago?

Bella: I only remember the part about the Cold Ones.

Jacob: You would. Well, I can't say anything, but try to remember 'cause our non-relationship will be so much easier if you can understand the burden I carry. (reeeeeally intimate hug, "Leading Me On" reprise)

(Did I mention Jacob was shirtless the entire time?)

Aaaaand Bella has a really really helpful dream where she conveniently remembers her conversation with Jacob on the beach verbatim. Man, I wish I had dreams like that.

Bella: I gotta see Jacob.

Billy: Not here, sorry.

Bella: You and your wheelchair can't stop me! (She sees Jacob asleep in his too-small bed...say it--"awwwww!" But then she spots Sam and his Shirtless Men Gang and gets angry.)

Bella: Yo SAM! I have a beef with you!

Sam: What?

Bella: You've done something to Jacob, he's terrified, and I hate you!

Paul: Nuh-uh, he's changing on his own--

Bella: Let me assert myself because I am (not) a strong, independent woman...*slap!*

Paul: Soo...angry...*werewolf mode* (which I think is commonly referred to as a "fursplosion")

Jacob: I will not be outdone! (Runs toward Bella and jumps over her to perform his own fursplosion)

Bella: Ohmahgawd...

Time goes by, and Kat and I have found less and less to say as the movie says it for us.

Example: Bella goes over to the werewolf stronghold where Emily, Sam's fiance, is making food for a hundred. But Bella is warned to not stare at Emily because it annoys Sam. "Why would I stare?" asks Bella. Oh, because half her face was ripped off by her werewolf boyfriend. But it wasn't his fault, he just lost his temper and he was standing too close to her, and everything is totally fine now because they're in love and can't you tell by the way he kisses her scars? Domestic abuse parallels, anyone?

(Jacob must hunt for Victoria and can't be with Bella for like, 5 seconds, so of course she falls apart. Bella, he's doing it for youuuuu!)

Bella: Hey! My budding relationship with Jacob and his possible werewolf troubles don't compare to the absent Edward! This time, I'm going to go cliff-diving to hallucinate that he cares. (Jump)

Bella: That wasn't so bad, oh sh** (pounding waves, undertow, tumbling underwater, Bella knocks her head on a rock, dying, EDWARD!)

Bella: Dying rocks as long as I get to stare at your equally lifeless body, Edward-ination. (Saving hand of salvation)

Jacob: She's not breathing! Time to do mouth-to-mouth (finally)!

Bella: *splutter* I'm ok!

Jacob: What the hell, Bella?

Bella: You interrupted my eyesex sesh with Edward! Who cares if I was dying??!!

Jacob: Bella, right now I am leaning over you shirtless and we're both soaking wet.

Bella: Edward...

Jacob: Bella, if you insist on being immune to my sexy... *hangs head in despair* Also, Harry Clearwater died.

(Jacob drives her back home and they have a moment where they ALMOST kiss because we have to save the actual (assault) kiss for the next movie. Don't worry, kiddies, the forced subjugation is coming!)

Jacob: I smell a vampire.

Bella: Edward!

Jacob: Dude, it's not safe. I can't protect you if you go to Mr. Stinky Vampire.

Bella: No, it's cool! Go home, Jacob. I don't need you anymore (except I do).

(Bella enters her house.)

Alice: Bella! You're alive!

Bella: Of course!

Alice: But I saw you jump off a cliff! I logically concluded that you had committed suicide!

Bella: Wait, you thought...what? Oh, silly Alice! I'm just trying to fantasize about Edward, I'm fine.

Alice: Oh...we need to talk about your crazy, girl.

(Enter Jacob to unnecessarily protect Bella from the most awesome vampire ever, who leaves because even she is not immune to Twilight-created prejudices)

Alice: I'll come back as soon as you put the dog out.

(Oh, Alice. I thought you were better than that. Even so, you still have my love--wait, am I becoming Bella??)

(Another intimate moment in the kitchen when Jacob tries to convince Bella that he's the only man for her, blah blah blah, phone rings.)

Jacob: Hello? (Because Bella could never answer her own phone, oh no.)

Other person: (Something to the effect of, Is Charlie there?)

Jacob: No, he's not. He's planning a funeral (clunk).

Oh Jacob, you know not what you DO! 

(Flash to Rio where Edward is standing on a balcony with his shirt open, eyes downcast and tortured, as he slowly but surely crumples his phone in his fist. 'Cause he's emo like that and has also logically concluded that Bella is dead from Alice's vision and Jacob's statement. Time for some Shakesp-- romantic suicide!)

Kat: Why is Edward in Rio???

(Flash back to the Swan kitchen)

Bella: Who was that?

Jacob: Edward.

Bella: @@@??ASDFA!!?AFSDF?SAD!!!!R (Best part, I didn't even try to spell "sad" and it just came out. Teehee!)

Alice: I've just had a vision and now that Edward thinks you're dead, he is going to make good on that suicide attempt he mentioned at the beginning of the movie! We have to go save him from himself!

Bella: Bye, Jacob.

Jacob: *whimper*

Oh, of course they're flying Virgin.

Alice: So here's the plan: we're going to drive into the city in this hot care I stole (because I'm AWESOME) and you're going to get out and run like hell to stop Edward. Why, you ask? Well, you see, Edward is planning to kill himself by sparkling in the the central plaza at noon. Today is the feast day of when all the vampires are expelled from the city, so you see, today is significant. His sparkling would be ironic as well as dazzling. And of course, noon time will give him maximum sparkle-age so the Volturi will swoop down and kill him for revealing to everyone that he is a vampire.

Bella: Got it.

(Bella gets out and runs faster than I thought such a weak human could. Two minutes left, Bella, get the lead out! Knock those red-robed bystanders out of the way, that's right! Who cares if there are children in the way? They don't know your love for Edward! Run dramatically through a fountain, whatever makes the scene visually dynamic! Did James teach you nothing??? RUN!!!!)

Kat: The city people look like medieval Catholics!

Me: Oh god, they do!

Kat: Oh, Mormons.

(Edward takes off his shirt and begins to step into the sunlight.)

Kat: DEATH BY SPARKLE!!!!!

Bella: Noooo! (She covers him with her body and pushes him back into the shadows)

Edward: Hey Bella, I totally thought you were dead!

Bella: Well I'm not, so it's ok, you don't have to kill yourself!

Edward: I totally love you, baby.

Bella: I totally forgive you for leaving me to die in the woods, baby.

*kiss*

(Oh, but it's not that easy. The Volturi are more than a little upset by Edward's attempted sparkle-icide.)

Impotent Volturi members: Let's go, Aro wants to see y'all.

B and E: No thanks...

(Enter Jane and her Death Stare of Gloom)

Jane: LET'S GO.

B and E: meep.

(Enter Volturi castle which is supposed to be underground but is not in the movie so whatever.)

Aro: Edward! So nice to see your talented mind-reading self again! And Bella, la tua cantante! (in case you forgot they're Italian. Btw, it means "your singer," the one who makes your heart sing. Sappy, Aro.) Join us!

Edward: No thanks...

(Aro hears that Bella's mind is impervious to Edward, and wants to try out her "gift" against Jane. Edward will have none of it.)

Edward: Noooo!!! (as he flings himself into the path of Jane's mentally-inflicted mental torture--which makes me wonder, if this is all happening in people's heads, how is there a discernable path of her attack???)

Aro: Well, that was noble of you, Edward, but we are still going to test Bella.

Jane: This might hurt just a little (as she smiles angelically. Oh, Jane, la mia cantante!)

Bella: Oh wait, did you start already?

Jane: *fume*

Kat and Me: *fume*

Aro: So Bella, you know too much about vampires. Either become one or die.

Edward: But her soul...

Alice: No, it's ok, Edward, I've had a vision that Bella becomes one of us. Let me show you, Aro. (Flash forward to vision of Bella and Edward running together through the woods, sparkling. Bella actually looks like she's enjoying physical activity and Edward somehow STILL looks worried about her! I hope they make Breaking Dawn into a movie for several reasons, but add the re-creation of this "scene" to the list, please, because I'm pretty sure that dress doesn't last long.)

(So in the book, Aro totally wants to collect Alice too, but she won't join them, and I can't remember if they put that part in the movie or if she just shows up to save Edward and Bella's collective lame ass. Either way, EPIC FIGHT ENSUES BECAUSE BELLA MUST DIE. AGAIN. This is what the whole movie has been leading up to, y'all! An epic fight that doesn't include Jacob, that addresses a threat vaguely referred to at the beginning of the movie but not carried throughout the plot, that doesn't include werewolves at ALL!!)

(At one point, a Volturi member smashes Edward to the ground, which shatters, but also part of Edward's cheek cracks and then heals...how??? Vampires are frozen in the human state they were turned in, how can he heal himself? And why is his cheek cracking in the first place, I don't understand! And did I mention that all this time Edward has been wearing a red Volturi robe that is clumsily tied shut so he looks like Hugh Hefner's screw-up son????)

Bella: OMG stop hurting him! Kill me, please, I can't do it myself no matter how hard I try!

Aro: Bored now. I'll consider letting them turn you into a vampire instead of killing you right now. It's just no fun if you want it.

Edward, Bella, and Alice: KTHNXBAI.

(They pass a group of human tourists being led to their doom, Bella seems concerned about complete strangers (but not her father or Jacob), screams are heard, Edward ushers her on, end scene. Back in Forks...)

Bella: So, when are you going to turn me, Edward?

Edward: Oh, that? No, I wasn't actually going to turn you. I just said that to get Aro off my back.

Bella: Time for a Cullen family intervention!

Bella: So! Those who want me to be a vampire, say aye! (Shut up, Edward!)

Alice: I already think of you as my sister, Aye!

Jasper: It will be a relief not to want to kill you. (Srsly, that's what he says.) Aye!

Emmett: Duh. When can we arm-wrestle?

Esme and Carlisle: Of course! The more, the merrier!

Rosalie: Noooooooo....I hate being a vampire even though I am frozen in a beautiful state and I'm married to my soulmate, it all means nothing 'cause I can't have BABIES. I'm looking out for you, Bella, so no. (Pay attention to this part for when they make the (god-awful) movie Breaking Dawn. I am going to go through so much popcorn.)

Jacob: Sooo, that ancient treaty (that was made in the 1930s and is NOT ancient by any stretch of the imagination) will be broken if you turn Bella into a vampire.

Edward: Step off, man, it's not yo' BIZness! Bella is MINE!

Bella: Jacob, don't make me choose between you two, 'cause I will totally choose him you lame, lame werewolf. I don't care if you're shirtless YET AGAIN, (you don't sparkle) it always has been and will always be him.

Jacob: Leaving now...

Bella: So, you gonna vamp me now or what?

Edward: One question first...

Bella: What?

Edward: Marry me? (OH SWOON.)

THE END

Me: That was AWESOME!

Kat: I regret NOTHING!

Final Thoughts:

1) Bella lets way too many people get all up in her business and touch her face. Seriously, girl, develop a personal bubble.

2) Jasper kinda looks like Hayden Christensen in Revenge of the Sith.

3) Edward's bare chest pales in comparison (*rimshot*) to Jacob's. Even though he's 17 :(

Aaaand, that's all, folks! I highly encourage you to see this movie. It will provide you with endless hours of laughter. Compared to the price of a ticket, the enjoyment this movie will bring you is priceless.