The Last Legion

Honesty Time: I'm pretty sure I haven't seen this movie all the way through. Even More Honesty Time: I don't care. This movie is awful. God. Awful. I am downright ashamed of Colin Firth and Ben Kingsley, even the kid from Love Actually who ducked and dived his way into our hearts. There is so much wasted talent in this sad attempt to capitalize on interest in ancient Rome. And coming from me, that's harsh. I love ancient Rome, not in an "everything was better back then" kind of way, but more of a "it's important to know where you come from" kind of way. I mean, let's face it--they didn't drink coffee or wear pants. I think we've come a long way.

But in spite of my innate interest in antiquity, I could not bother to sit on the couch and stare at the screen long enough to say I've watched this movie all the way through. And I've watched a LOT of bad movies. I even had the added incentive of knowing that one of the soldiers in the movie had been a student in my Classical Epics class--even then, I could not summon the interest.

Hopefully, I've firmly established how uninteresting this movie is. I feel that it had the potential to be more engaging. I mean, they've got all the stuff! The actors, the action scenes, the legend...but I just found this movie to be a rehashing of what other films have done much better. I don't want to waste time talking about things that I really can't say with much authority (because I saw only part of the movie, and a long time ago at that), but I want to bring up a nagging issue for me: why, oh why, must the only girl in such a film be ogled by both the characters and the audience as a novelty in every arena?

Aishwarya Rai is, admittedly, quite a beauty. But let's think about this: she is the only prominent female character in the movie, and is therefore endlessly on display. Her prowess in battle is unexpected and sexy, her looks and tight-fitting attire get her high marks with all the gentlemen, and...that's about it, looks and skillz. If you've read my review of Troy, you are well aware that I can rant for a long time about feminist issues. I don't want to do that here (man, this is one of the most lackluster reviews I've ever written) but I do want to point out once again that just because we're making a movie about ancient times doesn't mean we also have to espouse the gender stereotypes that existed back then. I suppose the fact that Rai's character is allowed anywhere near a sword is progress, but still...come on. Spartacus is evidence that an ancient story can be re-framed to fit a modern agenda. Surely we could have done some tweaking here, too?

One last thought--I am aware of the double standard that even I repeatedly abuse: men aren't allowed to objectify women, but women can look and hoot all they want. It's unfair, I know. But we don't live in a perfect world, and I think the pendulum may be swinging too far in the other direction. I'll admit, I did let a lot of some catcalls fly at Jacob the first time he took off his shirt in New Moon, but I felt really bad about it! (Also, a little skeezed out that I was howling at a 17-year-old werewolf.) So maybe the answer is: a little is ok if done in good humor? Because, let's face it--we're all thinking it anyway.

P.S. Colin Firth was smokin' in this movie :D