Eclipsed

Hey movie fans! I don't know what you were doing Thursday night at midnight, but I was certainly beating my own record for doing things I'm way too old to do (on that list is the time I hopped up and down on a stationary saddle meant for three-year-olds in front of a green screen of pursuing "injuns" at the Gene Autry Museum. I was ten.) This time around, I was feeding a franchise behemoth meant for teenage girls but somehow attracting their little sisters, their moms, and their boyfriends. You guessed it! I am talking, of course, about the third installment of the Twilight Saga: Eclipse.

Or should I say, Eclipsed? (Do you like what I did there?) Even though I was expecting to howl at this movie even more than the first two because of the inevitable, no-holds-barred man-down, I have to admit I was somewhat disappointed. Why I am surprised by disappointment in a Twilight movie, I don't understand, but I think there was a lot of potential to play up the rivalry that they didn't run with. Also, there was even less plot in this movie than the first two. If that's even possible.

Below is my impression of the movie, for better or worse. I gotta admit, the dialogue was so ridiculous it spoke for itself. I seriously considered just posting what I could remember of the actual script, but that would be not only illegal but also highly uncreative. So here is a scene-by-scene rundown with my impressions:

Rainy Nowhere, Seattle, WA:
Enter Rain-Soaked Nobody as he steps out into the rainy night. Rain drips down his face as he rainily squints rain out of his eyes to look down a rainy alley. A lightning-fast blur emerges out of the rain.

RSN: Who's there? he asks, honestly expecting an answer.
Blur: ...*harassment*
RSN: Who's there?!
Blur: ......*more harassment*
RSN: OMG WHAT DO YOU WANT???!!
Blur: .........*snarf*

His cries echo into the night, only to be replaced by Bella's lilting rendition of "Fire and Ice" by Robert Frost. No, really. 


Meadow of Flowers and Sparkles
Scene opens on Bella and Edward "studying" as he creepily sniffs her hair and she reads a super-complicated poem for her senior AP English final.


Edward: You so smart, baby.
Bella: Stop, Edward, I have to study...*giggle*
Edward: Marry me.
Bella: Is that a question?
Edward: ...Marry me?
Bella: No.
Edward: How 'bout now?
Bella: No. Change me first.
Edward: Marry me first.
Bella: Change me.
Edward: Marry me.
Bella: No means no, Edward. I may want to renounce all my family and friends to spend the rest of eternity with you, but I am NOT about to commit in any "legal" way.
Edward: Ok...marry me.
Bella: Were you listening???
Edward: Daisy chain?

The Swan Nest
Bella returns home at precisely 4pm to find Charlie reading the paper about the missing Rain-Soaked Nobody from Seattle--who is apparently, a Somebody.


Charlie: Well hello, my grounded and annoyingly punctual daughter. You were out with Edward Smarmy-Pants again, weren't you?
Bella: Daaad, you know I have no life apart from Edward Cullen.
Charlie: I just want you to have some distance from him, get some perspective. (He says quite reasonably.)
Bella: I don't understand.
Charlie: I want you to hang out with your other friends.
Bella: ...?
Charlie: JACOB?
Bella: Oh! Oh yeah, he won't talk to me.
Charlie: *facepalm*

Bella retires to her room where she fishes out a note, presumably from Jacob, explaining three different ways (with the first two attempts neatly crossed out, demonstrating that angry hate notes can be both tidy and informative) why he refuses to talk to her. The personal rejection galvanizes her into action.


The Classic Chevy of Emotional Abuse
Bella gets into her truck, intending to drive to the reservation to see Jacob. Repeated attempts to start the engine reveal that it has somehow broken down. Edward suddenly appears in the passenger seat with all the charm and directness of a stalker.


Edward: Are you going to the reservation?
Bella: How did you know?
Edward: How do you think I knew?
Bella: Did you do this to my truck?
Edward: Do you think I did this to your truck?
Bella: Why do we only ever speak in questions???
Edward: Why do you need to see Jacob? Am I not enough for you?
Bella: Haven't you learned by now that I'm a selfish brat who needs her emotional punching bag?
Edward: Can't you tell I need to protect you from those menacing wolves who have absolutely no self control?! (He asks as they sit in the Chevy he sabotaged.)

Forks High, WA
Apparently, having a possessive boyfriend with a penchant for vandalism is not a deal-breaker for Bella, so the two find themselves laughing gaily amidst their not-friends at school during lunch.


Jessica: So, I'm thinking about using my valedictorian speech to immortalize myself at this high school...
Mike: Say something clichéd!
Bella: Jess doesn't need clichés, she's original!
Jessica: Jess? Are we friends?
Bella: ...
Cue Alice to break the ice (because she's awesome) and to further the "plot." Because she's awesome.
Alice: Hey guys, graduation party at my house!
Jessica: We've never been to your house.
Bella: I've been there dozens of times, it's the best--
Jessica: *death glare*
Alice: *visions*
Edward: *can tell*

The Police Station That Only Gets One Case Per Year, Forks
Bella and Edward wait for Charlie outside the police station.


Bella: So what was Alice's vision? I know you saw.
Edward: Fuhgedaboudid.
Bella: Wait, your overbearing nature extends to withholding information?
Edward: Bella, how have we not been over this? This is who I am. Srsly.
Bella: *pout*
Edward: Ok. Fine. It may or may not involve the Volturi.
Bella: Wha--
Charlie: Hey! All this talk about missing kids has made me hungry. Dinner, Bella?
Edward: Hi, Mr. Swan.
Charlie: Oh, I'm sorry, are you here?
Edward: I'll just go, but not before I remind Bella of the plane ticket my parents gave her to Florida. Wasn't that generous, Bella??? Maybe you should go this weekend. Or something.
Charlie: Yeah, get some distance from...Forks. *significant look*
Bella: (ignoring Charlie completely) Yeah, Edward, let's go! Right now! 
Charlie: *grumble*

No Sparkle Zone, Florida
Bella and her mom sunbathe on the patio while Edward passes time by staring at Bella from the kitchen.


Renee: That's a magnetic boyfriend you got there, honey.
Bella: I know. He totally digs me.
Renee: No, I mean, he's like a magnet. You two are always together.
Bella: Nuh-uh. Btw, I'm following him to Alaska.
Renee: *Sigh* Listen. I'm gonna drop some mom-knowledge on you. This doesn't happen often, so pay attention: make the right choices for you, because you have to live with the consequences.
And then she undermines her parental authority by flashing her thong at the camera.


The Most Happening Forest Ever, Washington
Upon Alice's notice, the Cullens wait for Victoria to appear in search of Bella. Their plan: run her to death.


Rosalie: It's a good thing Alice is clairvoyant, otherwise we wouldn't have had time to dress for the occasion.
Carlisle: Sh!

Time passes, crickets chirp...

Alice: She's here.

Emmett: Excelsior!...*tree smash*

Parking Lot, Forks High
Bella and Edward return to Forks where, once again, something interesting has happened while Bella was not there. In the school parking lot, Edward tries to get a grip on how successful his latest attempt to control protect her was, and whether he can top it in the minute to come. Let's take a peak:

Edward: Sure was a lotta sunshine in Florida. Yep. Niiiice, warm sunshine. And you're mom, she's pretty cool. Bet you'll miss her, huh, Bella?
Bella: Is that why we went to Florida? Were you using my mother to guilt me about becoming a vampire? My parent's emotions have no effect on me, Edward.
Edward: Fine, but will you stay in the car for a sec?
Bella: No!
Bella gets out of the car and pulls up the Hood of Angsty Confrontation on her sweatshirt. Cue Jacob waiting by his motorcycle in a tight, black shirt. His back is to the camera, but he senses Bella's intoxicating freesia scent, and the wolf within awakes. He turns to look at her, slowly, carefully, smoldering-ly. Teenage girls everywhere sound their own wolf whistles in response. 
Jacob: 'sup, Deadward. Just wanted to remind you that we don't take kindly to your kind on our land, even if you are chasing down a Cold One--and I don't mean beer. Bella, you're welcome any time.
Bella: Victoria was here? Edward, did you know about this?
Edward: ...I was prot--
Bella: You lied to me! Again! We'll talk about this after I take a ride on Jacob's motorcycle--Jacob, why are you smiling, this is serious. No, I don't think that could be taken two ways.

Male Stripper Training Camp, WA
Jacob and Bella arrive at La Push to be greeted by the Shirtless Men Gang (!) with a surprising addition.


Jacob: So, Leah is totally a werewolf now.
Bella: Is that why she was so mean to me just now? Were-mones?
Jacob: Nah, she just hates you. I wish she weren't one of us, though, it's awful.
Bella: Hey, girls are strong and independent, and she can wolf if she wants to! She can leave your friends behind! 'Cause your friends don't wolf and if they don't wolf--
Jacob: I meant it's because I can hear all of her tortured thoughts about Sam, Bella. Geez, I'm not a male chauvinist pig like some people.
So then Jacob waxes on about what it's like to imprint on someone, not that he ever has, because boy, Bella, would you know it. Once it's clear that Jacob hasn't tagged and bagged her as his future bride, Bella thinks it's a good time to bring up that graduation is vamp time for her, which makes Jacob channel Anakin Skywalker in episode 2 and get all "Jacob ANGRY" and "He's holding me back!" He actually throws something across the room and tells Bella it would be better if she were actually dead than a vampire. Way to ruin a good moment, Jake.


La Chambre de Bella, Moanville
Newly-vamped Riley decides he also needs a whiff of Bella's outrageous scent because, hey, what vampire hasn't sniffed Bella and told her how intoxicating she is? At least Riley goes out on a limb for the "most-restrained vampire" award by getting all up in Charlie's face only to prove to--no one--how close he can get. But wait, Bella's home and who is that nefariously stepping around the corner??? It's...


Charlie: Why weren't you home for dinner?
Bella: I was with Jake like you wanted, Dad.
As Charlie is forced to eat his words (unfairly, I might add--the wise words of Charlie are shut down at every turn in this movie), Edward arrives at the door looking for all his life like a flustered mother whose daughter forgot to call. 
Edward: Where were you? Do you know how worried I've been? You are in big trouble, young lady!
And then the creepiness is kicked up to a new level as he smells that the sanctity of her room has been invaded by another vampire that was not him and how could she let this happen???


Clan Cullen Headquarters, WA
Wardo and Bella skip over to his house to consult with the Black-Eyed V's and smartly conclude that, once again, Bella needs protection (don't worry Bella, soon you'll need much more protection than that. So, so much more.) But who could possibly assist the vampires in undertaking this daunting task?...WONDER-DOG!!!


And So It Begins...,WA
Jacob arrives to protect Bella, wearing the only shirt he owns, which is Edward's cue to throw a hissy fit about how he should be the one protecting Bella and Jacob's going to yearn all over her and mess up their special yearning-ship, or something.


Bella: Enough! From now on, I'm Switzerland, ok? (She actually says that.)

The vamps and the werewolves team up for the common good of preserving monotony, allowing the vampires to hunt at night while the wolves keep watch. Only for Bella.


On the Road to Hyper-Awareness, Groanville
After school, Edward escorts Bella to Jacob who is waiting on the side of the road, shirtless.


Edward: Here, Bella, I packed you some snacks, and here's a picture of me in case you forget me, and doesn't that boy own a shirt?
Bella: Not when I'm around...*blushes*
Edward: Well, here's a vial of my urine in case he forgets who owns you, k? Love ya, babe.
Bella toddles over to Jacob, who wraps her in what could be deemed a bear-hug, though I am currently considering how to apply wolf imagery. I'm sure it's possible.
Jacob: So what do you want to do today?
Bella: SEX.
Jacob: Huh?
Bella: I said I wanna go to your secret council meeting.

Newbie Bonfire, La Push...O hai, Bella


Jacob: Hey Bella, I brought you here because I thought you should hear the stories of my people. These are secret, ancient stories that not even Seth, or Leah, or any other Quileutes have heard yet, so I thought it was only appropriate that you be here. Also, I thought you might need some heavy-handed foreshadowing.
Billy: Come, gather round. Tonight, I will tell you of how the Quileutes became shape-shifters, how we became the enemies of the Cold Ones, and how all of this might possibly have a bearing on the rest of the movie. But first, we're gonna need a flashback (♪ oh, it takes a flashback ♫):

Flashback #1 (Because there are more than one in this movie)
Enter a long-haired, ruffle-shirted man licking the blood off his lips so we know for sure that he is a vampire, and an old-timey one at that. Pan right. Enter three bare-chested Quileutes enraged by his presence who automatically shift into wolf-form, the better to challenge him. They tear the vampire apart and burn the pieces, intuiting what to do despite the fact that they have never encountered another vampire, much less phased into wolves, before. 


Billy: The learning curve of our people was strong. But they feared the Cold One had a mate, and soon after she arrived and terrorized the village. The chief fought against her, but his son had died, so with the chief would die the leadership of the tribe. When it looked like the chief was about to be conquered by the Cold One, his wife sacrificed herself for the tribe. She had no special power, no inclination that perhaps she could rule the tribe. But she had courage. She stabbed herself, and the blood distracted the Cold One long enough for the chief to destroy her. The wife saved the chief, and so she saved the tribe.
Jacob: That's where I come from, babe. Just wanted to share that part of myself with you...

Clan Cullen Headquarters, Sparkle Zone


Emmett: What's the haps on this newborn biz?
Carlisle: I'm not sure, let's watch CNN.
Jasper: Newborns are bloodthirsty...and strong...
Carlisle: ...Yes. And why haven't the Volturi stopped them?
Edward:(with a long-suffering sigh) Isn't it obvious, father? Aro wants to collect me and Alice so badly that he's willing to destroy our clan. If the Cullens don't exist, Alice and I just might join his ranks.
OMG was that another plot dot? Some day it might grow up into a point.


Swan Kitchen, Forks
Charlie is reading an article about the missing kid from a year ago when Bella saunters in.


Bella: Are they still looking for that kid? He's been missing for over a year!
Charlie: Yeah, well, if it were me, I'd never give up looking for you, kiddo. Not ever. Humble pie?

La Chambre de Bella, Angstville


Bella: It just occurred to me that I'm going to have to get my story together if you ever turn me. I need an alibi if I'm never going to see Charlie and Renee again.
Edward: Just wait it out, they'll die. End of problem.
Bella: I know you don't want to turn me. It's because I won't be...intoxicating anymore, isn't it? She bites her lip as she looks away.
Edward: It's because I don't want to risk your soul. You'll always be my Bella, scent or no scent...sniiiiiiff.

Cold Front Moving In

Jacob: Bella, we're running out of time. I wanted to do this smoothly, but it looks like I'm just going to have to force myself on you. Bella, I love you. Choose me.
Bella: No.
Jacob: Bella, don't you see? You wouldn't have to change for me, or say goodbye to anyone. I'm your future baby's soul mate.
And then he undermines the validity of his claim by force-wolf-macking on her. In a fleeting moment of self-preservation, Bella punches him in the face, only to howl with pain as the contrivances of Meyer's "story" prevent Bella from measuring up in any mental, emotional, or physical way to her love interests--werewolves have faces of steel, didn't you know?

Man-down Number 146,587
Edward is in a snit and waiting in the driveway for Bella and Jacob to return.

Edward: HOW DARE YOU IF YOU EVER TOUCH HER AGAIN I WILL--
Bella: Edward! Calm down!
Edward: You wait for her to say the word! You WAIT and WAIT and WAIT, that's what HEALTHY relationships consist of--
Charlie: Simma down now. What happened?
Jacob: I told Bella I loved her. Then I kissed Bella. And then she punched me. (Now, how come I'm totally on your side again? Oh, it must be because Edward's there.)
Bella: Dad, my hand is totally broken. How come you never taught me how to punch werewolves before?

Clan Cullen Headquarters, Sparkle Zone


Carlisle: Stop crying, Bella, this is just a sprain.
Emmett: What happened?
Bella: I punched a werewolf in the face.
Emmett: Badass! You're gonna make a bitchin' newborn!
Bella: *giggle*...Thanks :)
Rosalie gets up and leaves. Bella follows.
Bella: Um, why do you hate me, Rosalie? I know it can't be my personality.
Rosalie: I don't hate you (Rose! I thought we were in this together!), I envy you. You have a choice, and you're making the wrong one!
Bella: (Her wisdom-o-meter shutting down completely) Rose, I'm not perfect, and this is what I want.
Rosalie: I was. I had the perfect life. I'll tell you all about it, but first, I'm gonna need a flashback (♪ oh, it takes a flashback ♫):

Flashback #2


Rosalie: I was just a beautiful girl who was in love with love and white berets. I had a fiancé, because I was beautiful. The world was my oyster because I was beautiful. Life was perfect.
Bella: :)
Rosalie: And then I was gang-raped by my fiancé and his friends.
Bella: :O
Rosalie: But I got my revenge--my awesome, theatrical revenge. After Carlisle vamped me, beauty became my special power. And yes, beauty is a power. I don't know why that's relevant, but I thought you should know that I'm beautiful, Bella. Anyway, I killed all my former fiancé's friends and saved him for last so he would know I was coming. When he was huddled in a corner of his hotel room, I barged in wearing the dress I would have worn at our wedding and proceeded to drain him of his blood. It was awesome. And then I met Emmett.
Bella: o_O
Rosalie: But all the theatrical revenge in the world won't give you babies, Bella! And I really just want gray hair, a porch, and fat grandkids. Get it?
Bella: Maybe that's what you want, but I will never, ever, want babies. I will only ever want Edward.
Rosalie: *facepunch*

White Riot
Riley's flock of newborns have gotten a little out of hand, so of course he has to put his foot down and tell them to clean up their mess and wash behind the ears and this is why we can't have nice things and so on. Meanwhile, the Volturi (there they are!) are watching from a hidden vantage point. Felix says something stupid about asking Aro what to do about them, which means it's time for the Jane Pain.


Jane: Aro's decisions are being watched. (Duh, Felix, how did you not know that?)
Alec: Then what do you suggest we do, sister? (It seems Alec's "power" is to magnify how awesome his sister is.)
Jane: Do we let them do what they were created for (a ha!) or end them? Decisions, decisions...
Felix: *twitch*

Oh Yeah, They're in High School
Graduation time!


Jessica: Today, I decided to dedicate my Valedictorian speech to Bella: Now is the time to make mistakes, fall in love a lot, realize that nothing is permanent, and learn from your mistakes so you'll eventually figure out what it is you truly want. Peace!


Two Guys, a Girl, and a Psychic Chic
Alice's graduation party is in full swing when Jacob's wolf pack and Muse's new song make their appearances. 


Jacob: Hey Bella, sorry about the whole kissing thing. I could pawn it off on being a werewolf, but really, it was just me being an ass. So I'm sorry.
Bella: You're admitting your mistakes to me? I...wh-...no one's ever done that before!
Edward: *fume*
Alice: Uhh, I just saw a bunch of newborns sniffing Bella's shirt.
Jacob: What the eff does that mean? (It means it's all about Bella again, Jake-Jake)
Alice: It means we don't have to go to Seattle...............*dramatic pause*................they're coming here. Dun dun DUN!

We're Actually Gonna Need a Montage

Newborns are more powerful than older vampires because they still carry a trace of human blood (which makes no sense, but whatever), so it is Jasper's job to train the vampires and werewolves in the skillful art of fighting newborns to hip background music.

Jasper: Newborns are bloodthirsty...and strong...

Everyone else: ...

Jasper: So you have to be aware of that when you attack them like any other vampire. You know how you wouldn't let a regular vampire get his arms around you? Well, you doubly can't let that happen with newborns.   Let's begin!

Cue music. Each Cullen takes on Jasper in turn, each Cullen is defeated until Alice dazzles them all with her awesomeness. 

Jasper: So, that's it for today. Werewolves, you can fend for yourselves, right?

The Excuse For a Segue Into...

Bella: Jasper! What can I do to help?

Jasper: Your scent helps...it'll...drive 'em crazy...

Bella: How do you know so much about newborns?

Jasper: I was the youngest major in the Texas cavalry!

Bella: I didn't know that!

Jasper: Sure! I'll tell you all about it with my random Southern accent! But first, I'm gonna need a flashback (♫ oh, it takes a flashback ♪)

...Flashback #3

Jasper: I was a cavalry officer in the war of Northern Aggression. One night, I decided to ride down to the river by myself. There were three women waiting there looking kind of weird, and they said a lot of vaguely threatening things, but I decided it would be a good idea to approach them. And one of them turned me. Could you believe my luck? I didn't see it coming. 

Bella: *Nods sympathetically*

Jasper: Her name was Maria. I became her number one, and it was my job to train newborns to fight so Maria could take over territory with her own army. We trained by day and snogged by night. She would only let the newborns live a year. It was my job to...dispose of them. But then, I found Alice. Now, she had seen me coming, mind you.

Alice: You kept me waiting long enough.

Jasper: My apologies, ma'am. Alice cuts off his arbitrary Southern narration with a kiss. Bella stands awkwardly, watching them, finally beginning to understand what it's like for everyone else. 

Another Super-Helpful Dream

Bella's subconscious again does back flips while she sleeps, connecting the complicated dots that Victoria wanting her dead + Newborn army heading for Forks = They are probably working together. Now, if she could only dream of Edward as a smothering security blanket...

Edward: Based on your dream last night, we've decided you need to hide.

Bella: No, I won't just give up like that. And I need to be near you. We're vulnerable when we're apart (and together)

Edward: Ok, we'll stay together. You like camping, right?

The Forest of Contrivances

To tuck Bella safely away where the newborns won't be able to sniff her, Jacob and his wolf stench must carry Bella to the campsite. Of course, Jacob arrives shirtless for the dry run. And of course, there's a dry run because...?

Jacob: Take it easy, Edward. This'll work. Trust me. (scooping up Bella into his arms)

Edward: DON'T DAWDLE. 

When Jacob and Bella are thick in the woods, Jacob slows to a walk and they decide to have a heart to heart.

Bella: So Jake, I want you to know that I don't--

Jacob: GUESS WHAT I TOTALLY COULD HAVE BEEN THE ALPHA MALE OF MY PACK DOES THAT CHANGE YOUR MIND???

Bella: That's...hot.

Jacob: >:D

The Swan Nest

Alice and Charlie are chatting happily as Bella arrives home. 

Alice: So, I just fixed your alibi with your dad so he won't know more vampires want to kill you dead. We're going camping!

Bella: Ugh, I hate camping.

Alice: No, we, The Cullens, are going "camping," as in hunting tonight. You and Edward will have the house to yourselves. Get it?

Bella:

Swan Kitchen, Forks

This scene was actually well done, I thought. It's almost hard to make fun of it.

Bella: Hey Dad, I was just randomly wondering...what do you think of marriage?

Charlie: ??!?!!

Bella: In general.

Charlie: I think it's great when you're older. You don't want to rush into it because you made wrong...choices.

Bella: Daaaad, we're not having this talk, are we?

Charlie: Well, I don't wanna have this talk!

Bella: Well, I don't either!

...

Charlie: But we have to!

Bella: Fine!

Charlie: Fine!

Bella: I'm a virgin!

Charlie: Great!

Bella: Glad to tell ya! Bella leaves quickly

...

Charlie: Edward can stay. *sips coffee*

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Sexy Time

Bella arrives at Edward's house to hear he's got the slow jams on (Claire de Lune by Debussy, in case you didn't know what song they're going to play at their wedding). He's also invested in a giant new bed and is surprised to find that Bella is taken aback by, but not unreceptive to, the lit candles. 

Bella: (taking the hint) So, you wanna...?

Edward: What are you talking about?

Bella: You know...the music, the candles, the bed...

Edward: I just wanted you to be comfortable tonight. I don't know what you're gonna do, but I'm gonna be watching Ace of Cakes.

Bella: Look, I know you won't vamp me until you marry me, but I won't marry you until you sex me.

Edward: Bella, don't be childish--

Bella: I want every human experience before I'm a newborn and the only thing I want is blood!

Edward: No, it's way too dangerous, I could kill you. There is no condom for the heart, Bella.

Bella: If you try, I'll marry you. (Man, she drives a soft bargain.)

So they try, and we get the legendary leg hitch we've all been waiting for:

But then:

Edward: Stop undressing! It's not nice!

Bella: But--!

Edward: We can't do this.

Bella: *sigh*

Edward: I just want to be married first.

Bella: *SIGH*

Edward: I come from a different time, Bella. Back in my day, I would have been happy to have a chaperoned stroll with you, with iced tea on the porch, and maybe a stolen kiss or two. Then I would have asked the permission of your father, gotten down on one knee, and presented you with my mother's ugly-ass ring. 

(For the record, that speech was almost verbatim. And apparently, it works on Bella because she finally says yes.)

Oh, There's Victoria!

The villainness is revealed! And she's whispering into Riley's ear as if she's been there the whole time.

Riley: What do you MEAN you're not coming with us to Forks?

Victoria: It has to be a last minute decision for me to go, otherwise Alice will see it. I've explained this to you already, Riley. I'm doing this for us, and this is not at all about avenging James, I swear.

Riley: Who?

Precious Cargo

Bella decides that if the only way she can contribute is to smear her blood in random places, she's going to do it, and well. 

Edward: You're not wearing your ring?

Bella: I didn't want to bleed on it.

Edward: Or let a certain werewolf pee on it?

Bella: ...yeah.

Edward: Oh well, I must away to set up our campsite. (And then he leaves after practically making out with the brim of her beanie.)

The Epic-ness Ensues

In order to indicate to the average movie-goer that the film has kicked up its tempo, shots of people walking, running, or standing still are set to epic background music, giving the impression that all the "story lines" are colliding to spiral toward the inevitable climax, which is...?!

Newborns can look at water!

Jacob can run up a hill carrying Bella!

Edward can sparkle!

Newborns can walk through water!

Jacob can still run!

A TENT!

The Infamous Tent Scene

Edward ponders his own stupidity at forgetting that Bella isn't already dead as he watches her freeze and convulse. Enter Human Space Heater.

Edward: Forget it!

Jacob: She might need her toes someday. And you gotta admit, I am hotter than you. (Actual line. Actual. Incredible. Line.)

Bella: D-d-d-on-t-t-t-t f-fffff-fiiiiight.

Jacob jumps into her sleeping bag, she presses herself to him like a fly to honey, and Jacob makes a crack about her warming up faster if she takes her clothes off (I agree, Jake, it was a necessary quip). Time passes, Edward looks even more tortured, until finally:

Edward: Stop thinking nasty thoughts! It's improper!

Jacob: Whatever, I hate you, get outta mah miiiindd!!! I'm better for her anyway.

Edward: I know. I didn't want her to be a vampire, so I emotionally manipulated her by leaving and it still didn't work.

Jacob: And she...still wants you after that?

Edward: Hey, I'm not one to judge poor self-esteem. I won't force her into anything anymore. At least, not overtly. (Truck, anyone?) Ya know, Jacob, I kinda like you.

Jacob: Ya know, Edward, I still think you're scum.

Bella: *not actually REM-ing*

The Morning After

Bella: I'm sorry I almost died last night, that must have been really hard for you, Edward.

Edward: It was. Don't do it again, Mrs. Cullen, eh eh?

Jacob: YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED?!?!?!

Bella: Jaaaaaake!!

Jacob: JACOB ANGRY SMASH KILL RAWR

Bella: Down, boy!

Jacob: NO I HAVE TO GO DIE NOW

Bella: No, don't! I don't want you to get hurt!

Jacob: CAN'T HEAR YOU I GO DIE NOW

Bella: Kiss me! I'm asking you to kiss me!

Jacob: *Scooby Doo "Huh?"*

And then they make out. Epically.

Bella: Oh hi, Edward. Nothing just happened.

Edward: I could hear Jacob's thoughts. I guessed. 

Bella: I don't know what to say.

Edward: You love him.

Bella: I love you more.

Edward: It's cool, we can still totally get married.

Bella: Where did Jake go???

And So It Begins...Again.

While Edward and Bella are nestled out of harm's way, the Cullens and the werewolves prepare for the final showdown with the newborns.

Carlisle: Cullen line of leather defense, assemble!

Newborns: INEXPERIENCED RAWR

Cullens: EXPERIENCED RAWR

Werewolves: Ok, I didn't know vampires were made of velcro and clay.

Edward narrates the fight to Bella, but Victoria's boy-toy Riley sneaks up on them and attacks!

Edward: You don't want to do this, Riley. She's using you. Believe me, I can spot manipulation when I see it. 

Riley: Nuh-uh!

Edward: Look, I didn't want to be the one to tell you this, but her vendetta goes back to the first movie long before you were made when I killed her mate, James.

Riley: Who?

Edward: Think about it--you're from Forks. How could she ever love you?

Bella: I knew it!

Riley: DIE!

Seth attacks Riley and pins him down. Victoria is about to skip out but Edward baits her until she puts on her shake face and leaps on him. They fight, she flees into a tree, and he knocks the tree over to get her out.

Bella: That wasn't very eco-friendly, Edward. 

Victoria: *Edward headlock*

Riley: *Edward arm rip*

Bella! The foreshadowing! Use the foreshadowing!

Bella: *arm slice, blood spurt*

Victoria: ???

Edward: Did you actually NOT try to kill yourself for once?

Edward gets the upper hand, decapitates Victoria, then walks over to Bella all "Hey baby, Imma fix your arm. Then He rips part of her shirt for a tourniquet, then pulls out his handy-dandy Vampire Zippo and drops it on Victoria's body, which immediately goes up in flames. Vampires are made out of clay, velcro, AND KEROSENE?!?!?!

Back on the Battlefield

Jacob: *LAST-DITCH RAWR!*

Newborn: *Right-side bone smash*

Jacob: *naked howl*

And then Carlisle and Esme offer a particularly young newborn asylum because compassion is Carlisle's special special gift, and then the Volturi arrive :D

Jane: What's all this?

Carlisle: Nuthin' (as he shifts to cover their new pet)

Jane: (Spotting the newborn) Jane Pain activate!

Esme: Stop! She'll tell you whatever you want to kn--actually, keep going, I haven't gotten much of a chance to talk in this movie. What are you doing to her, Jane, she's just an innocent child! Oh, the horror!!!

Carlisle: Btw, we think Victoria created the newborn army.

Jane: O RLY???

Male Stripper Training Camp, WA

Bella arrives to hear Jacob's cries of anguish as Carlisle re-breaks and sets his bones. 

Jacob: Nargh!

Billy: You can go see him, Bella. He's been asking for you. Not for his pack or his father, or anyone else who's been listening to him scream for the last three hours, but he's been asking for you.

Bella: Cool.

Jacob: Ok: Number 1: Did we make Edward jealous?

Bella: No.

Jacob: Damn!...Number 2: Did the kiss change your mind?

Bella: No.

Jacob: Number 3: GTFO.....But Bella? I'll still wait for you.

Insert Feminist Speech Here

Bella: Now that we've decided we're getting married, I think we should do it as soon as possible because I don't want to be yet another year older than you.

Edward: Sounds reasonable. Why are you doing this?

Bella: Can you help me with my soapbox first? Thanks. I'm not doing this for you, Edward. The choice was never between you and Jacob, obviously. It was a choice between who I should be, and who I am. I've never fit in anywhere. I've crashed, burned, and bled my way through life. But in your world, I feel safe...and strong. I can do anything as long as I'm out of harm's way. I want to be part of your world, and if I have to be a vampire to do it, then that's where I belong. 

Edward: It's...it's not about me?

Bella: Nope, sorry. But we have one more thing to do before we plan this wedding.

Edward: Sex is NOT--

Bella: We have to tell Charlie. So I'm gonna need that ugly-ass ring.

THE END

Final Thoughts:

1) I think Rosalie's been drinking diet blood lately.

2) I like how Jasper's character development amounts to finally being useful for things other than trying to kill Bella.

3) Edward did not sparkle NEARLY enough for my liking.

4) Bella's character is irredeemable, even if some feminist lines were shoehorned into her dialogue.
5) Nuff said about the wig.